This is one of the hardest posts I’ve ever felt I had to write. In fact, I haven’t written for a few weeks because I haven’t wanted to face the world. I’ve been out of town most of this month on work trips. They’ve been hard but good and I’m relieved that all of my hard work has paid off with good projects/clients/work. I’m exhausted now and looking forward to relaxing and doing literally nothing tonight. I’m more emotionally exhausted than anything else. As some of you know I’m in a relationship with Jax. This whole site began because Jax and I were searching for a site that shared the real story about dealing with a chronic disease (or two) and also having a relationship. We had read about some couples seeing the disease as a 3rd party in their relationship…some just avoided the whole situation all together.
Essentially i am not sure what is happening between us except for that things are falling apart. I’m certain that he’s not seeing someone else, but I am certain he wanted to leave our relationship on my return. I know it stresses him out to see me off and on again in a wheelchair – believe me – it stresses me out – but I just have to deal with it. I’ve cried these past few days non-stop. I’m not really clear about what I need to fix about myself to make this okay.
The darkest days have come – of course now that I’m finally starting to feel physically (thanks to enbrel). In fact, this is exactly why these days are coming now. Jax is finally allowing himself to feel and express the emotions he felt needed to be caged up while I was so sick. He feels selfish to have his own needs ( a result of my illnesses and our focus needing to be on getting me to an acceptable living level). He’s decided that Read the rest of this entry »
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