I found this in my drafts folder and it’s amazing how depressed I was only a few weeks ago. The program I am now in is really helping me get through this depression. Even though I’m not in this head space now – I think it’s important to reflect on what a bad place I was in: So I have RA. I hate it. I have Lupus. I hate it. I have Chronic Pancreatitis I hate it. I have Diabetes Type 2 and I don’t even care. Why? Because it is truly the least of my problems – even knowing that for many people it is a major issue for them. For me it is just a drop in the bucket.
I hate myself this week. I hate that I’ve lost everything because of chronic diseases (or at least it feels that way). I’m trying to get my life back on the right tracks, but I feel so depressed lately that I can barely motivate myself to do anything. I’m losing work – of that I am certain. I’ve lost my business, my true love (Jax – you can read more on this in the About section). I’ve lost so much I don’t even remember all that I’ve lost. My legs are always swollen and I just can’t seem to find that “happy place”. I used to have it. I used to be in it.
I started taking a new medication this past week and it made me so groggy I must’ve snoozed momentailry at a red light and accidentally tapped the car in front of me. Only it is more like a car accident than a tap considering the cost of the damage.
My hands hurt too much to keep typing… but I wish I could keep telling you about how shit things seem right now. I’ve lost my sunshine and I don’t know how to get it back. I did start a prgram this past week for dealing with my depression. I NEVER had deep depression until these diseases wreaked havoc on me and my life. Well, that and the issues from my childhood. UGH!!! There is far too much to deal with and unravel about my life. Why can’t I just write it down on paper and get the fuck over it??? I want to! I certainly don’t want to sit here and bitch about it!!
How can I get ME back??
Love Sasha xoxo
PS – Join me on Twitter: @typeawithra
• Also Join me on IllnessTwitters • And on Meetup
• Come to the Hollywood/Los Angeles Chronic Pain Support Groups next Meetup: September 13th @6:30pm
So far I haven’t lost anything worthy of mention to chronic pain; it hasn’t even been a year since it started. I do fear it – and being somewhat gloomy by nature I can certainly see it in the not too distant future if things continue as they are. I do miss the happier version of me, and so do my friends. How do I get that version of me back? Acceptance of my situation helps, even if I rarely allow myself the time to just be ill. Time helps, when my medications change they might not have the exact same chemical effects as before. Since the medications I am on replace a lot of my body’s normal biochemical and neurochemical functions it takes a while for my body or the new drug to work properly – usually this takes weeks. Time also helps because no depression I have ever had has lasted, no matter how deep (bottomless), no matter how dark (black is a cheerful color, dammit), no matter how long (years). Depression never lasts forever – that’s just a fact. Knowing that won’t get rid of depression, it just makes it easier for me to bear and find something else to do until things change. And so far, things have always changed.