Jax had taken care of me through this whole thing. He did it without question and without complaint. He was incredible. By summer 2006 our sex-life had faded to this caretaker business and we were screwed (no pun intended). We tried a few times but Jax was so afraid of hurting me more that we couldn’t seem to get together very often. It was a new absolute stress in my life. I begged him to go to therapy but he didn’t see it as an option…. yet. We’d get through this – he’d say. But everywhere we turned there was more crisis and chaos. This is when I turned to Mayan doctors and anything that might help. I ended up having to drink onion juice and pour scalding hot rose petal water on myself (quite a show). It only was making matters worse. The meds were causing severe constipation and I began water bum treatments called hydrotherapy. It helped but was certainly no cure.
In the summer 2006 I faced a new medical dilemma. The GI doc wanted to put me on a feeding tube. Go to the definitions page to read what horror that is! The other option was a TCP line. (Or maybe I’m confusing the name with internet protocol) but essentially my normal life would be over, I’d lose my clients, and my life would feel over. I’d have to go around with an IV tower and have it “feeding me” for 12 hours a day. They told me it would be in only when i was sleeping… but I only sleep about 4 hours or less a night!
Luckily the new psychologist nixed the idea and told the docs that I’d probably kill myself if I went through that trauma. It was true – Through this entire journey I was still able to pretend I wasn’t sick. It was always at my expense – the energy required to hide my illness was one of the things killing me. The real toll was not only my business and work but also Jax and I had to basically just barely get by. Thank god we were in love. I urged him to find another woman so he didn’t have to go through this. He said he was in it for the long haul and refused my offer to be free. How could he be so sweet in the face of this extreme adversity?
Somehow I worked enough to continue to make my business thrive but I couldn’t keep it up and I gave in at the end of 2006. I slept almost all of January 2007. Luckily, on February 13th, 2007 I had done all the essential steps to finally get my pain pump put in. The morphine delivery system meant I would stop getting severe constipation and that I could appear normal.
2 of my close friends came to help me after the surgery since neither of my folks could make it out. They live o0verseas and it would be a big hardship for them. One of my friends, Lizzie, has 3 kids but still came out to help. I was so grateful. Also, a great old roommate of mine with 2 kids came out. I felt deeply loved. I also felt badly that I could do little more than sleep. Lizzie helped Jax which I was grateful for.
2 weeks later I was getting back to work and harder than ever. I’d lost so much time. I had last left off at being asleep 5 days a week. I tried to catch up, but there was a new kink in the works – a once in a lifetime project had come my way and I didn’t want to pass it up. I started working harder than ever and went on 20 hour a day work binges. It was essential if I was going to get this project accomplished.
Jax and I were affectionate with each other – but he was no even more afraid of hurting me with my new pump. How could we come back together sexually? There was no time to deal with it-I was going to be out of town for almost 4 months.
That’s when I started this a a private blog. I thought my experiences could help someone else decide to get a pump, or better yet to learn some early signs of RA Because what I didn’t know was during this entire 6 year period I was battling with RA symptoms that were getting worse as I grew more ill and more stressed out.
-Sasha / over and out