I’m home for about a week. Jax & I are getting along great, but there’s something up. I’m embarrassed to talk about this but perhaps it’ll help me in some sort of cathartic way. We haven’t had sex since my surgery. Luckily we had sex the day or two before it – but not since. I’m sure this is normal. I’ve decided I’m going to just tell Jax to let me go down on him. I know most men wouldn’t have to be forced and I’m sure normally neither would Jax, but this caretaker/ill person thing has gotten out of control and he’s always on eggshells when it comes to my health or lifting something or cleaning house or anything.
I mean, from his point of view, how in the hell is he supposed to know if I’m in pain or not. It can change so quickly I’m not sure how even I can keep up with the facts.
We have a down moment and I decide to dance and get naked for him. It’s a perfect moment. He’s sitting on the edge of the bed. It’s not late and he’s not yet exhausted. (The pain makes it hard for me to be on a normal exhaustion schedule). I have the music up and start to shimmy around him. After a few moments of giggling and being silly he asks himself out loud what to wear to work tomorrow. gushhhhhh.. What a let down.
I’m crushed. I’m embarrassed and crushed. I feel humiliated and not enough. I fight for a moment about it but there’s no point. I dread that my resentment will get the better of me and I’m sure I take it out on him later. It’s my last attempt. There were many before, but I couldn’t take this type of rejection from the man I so badly want to be my lover again. I ask him to go to therapy but get shut down with excuses about why not.