What’s Wrong With Me?

15 08 2007

August – September: I can’t work on my project. Every day I go to work for the client and I wish I had energy when I get home. There’s none. I try to catch up on email and my other work but I find I can’t keep up with just the basics of work and bills.

I continue paying the team for their work and gas…there’s so much due ($22,000) at last count. It was worth it but how am I going to get everyone paid back? Just writing the checks is a drain. I need new donations to keep things going.

I decided to let everyone in my office go. I need them and don’t know what will happen without them, but I can’t afford them now. I need to find a subletter for the office to live in. I’m so stressed out! I can hardly get anything done. I think I am finally making an about-face. I am finally realizing this is going to kill me if I don’t take care of it.

I don’t understand how pancreatitis is making me feel this horrific. Also, I’ve noticed I can hardly get out of bed. I think my body is swelling up and I can’t go down the stairs. My hands are swelling up and I feel truly awful. I’m working night shifts for this client and feel grateful to have work, but it’s screwing me up even worse. I can’t seem to get motivated for anything and I want my old self back very badly.

Jax and I are in a decent space. We still talk everyday for at least an hour… but something seems different. He’s burnt out and I understand how and why. He seems so tired and falls asleep all the time after dinner. I don’t know how to get out of this space. I urge him to go to a counselor to talk about this stuff. It must be so hard to have signed up to be my boyfriend and lover and to be forced to become my caretaker. I can’t imagine. I’m grateful for everything he does for me. It’s truly incredible he hasn’t crumbled through all of this. I know he’s upset my folks didn’t offer to come out in Feb. for my pump surgery. I know he could resent a very many things – but really I don’t think he does/is. But there are some things in our life that are truly missing – MIA. Namely sex. Or I should say only sex. It’s the only thing totally missing in our lives… and of course the issues that come out of that.

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