I Don’t Want a Kid Now!

9 09 2007

After a round of monthly doctor visits it became obvious that my window of opportunity to have kids or rather to not have kids was more quickly approaching than a healthy woman.  I’m 34 and don’t want to try for kids until I’m 45 (highly unrealistic).  I don’t mind adopting but really want to have my own kids.  It’s a biological nightmare that I have to address.  How cruel that I was born a female.  How horrific that I have to address this with Jax.

He’s always said he wants to have kids together.  He even tells my doctors he’s my fiancé.  I didn’t understand how or why these terms were used.  Maybe it’s just that I don’t understand men.

I was anxious and nervous to bring up the subject but I felt forced to.  If I want to have kids I need to try within the next two years.  Believe me, I’d rather be doing accounting for my business than thinking about this right now.

On our nightly rant I brought it up.  Umm…so…I was talking to the doctors today and they expressed concern that I was about to be 35 and therefore already in a higher risk category…but with my health complications it came to their attention that we should try by the end of a year.  12 months.  365 days.

No matter how you bring this up it’s bound to go badly.  Men can’t deal with planning for a baby.  I suggested I just stop taking the pill at the end of a year so I didn’t have to bother him with it.
Well, now I see why most women just stop taking the pill and never mention it.  This is agony and absurd.

As a side note: during our dating period of LA/NYC Jax had stopped talking to me for about 5 months while he dramatically changed his life.  He wasn’t an alcoholic or anything but there were work things such as a career path that he needed to adjust.  I wasn’t sure if he was alive or dead and it was a major hurdle in our getting together again … But that’s for another blog and another day… The point is that I won’t have kids with him without being married.

So Jax and I argued for a few days or weeks on this issue.  It was so painful but I don’t want to be 50 and regret that I didn’t at least try.  I didn’t want to give him an ultimatum.  I had always sworn I wouldn’t do that.  Instead I just was honest.  I don’t want to be with someone else and I want to try to have kids so I don’t miss the boat.

I’m not sure how but eventually he told me shockingly that the real reason he didn’t want to do this is because he’s terrified I’ll die giving birth or taking a baby to term.  He said it wasn’t worth it to him to lose me over a baby.

This was all too much and over my head and I wanted to just swim under a rock and stay there.

On reflection Jax thinks I really want to have a baby badly so I don’t feel broken from my illnesses.  He thinks it’s to validate that my body’s not broken and to eliminate my fears that I’m not as much of a woman since he feels I’m combining being a woman with being able to have a kid.  Later he agreed that we could start looking for a High-Risk OBGYN and only if he felt comfortable with them could we pursue the idea.  Part of the irony of this is that we hadn’t had sex since February.  Believe me I’ve tried… But after you’ve been thwarted enough times you give up.  Thwarted is the wrong word…  It was just never the right time.  It was either too late, too early, too busy, or… Just never right.   I was definitely starting to feel resentment about this.

His enormous fear about my dying during pregnancy seems more of a fear than reality BUT the idea I won’t be healthy enough to bring a baby to term seems plausible.  I don’t know what to do.  Do I give up just like that?  It’s true that I’d rather be working.  This was all so outside of my know-how or comfort-zone.

The conversation ended on agreeing to find a high-risk OBGYN.  The marriage conversation wasn’t brought up again other than that we’d wait until I was preggers.  It seems stupid to me.  If you love someone and live with them and want to be with them than why would you wait until things are already very stressful with pregnancy? I don’t understand anything.

Most of all I was wondering if Jax and I should even bother staying together.  I don’t want to regret everything in my life based on this one year.   Maybe I should start to look for someone else.  I don’t care about getting married except in context of having a kid & it already being someone I love.  I don’t get where the harm is.  Fact is if he has reservations about being married to me now then it won’t work out in the long run.  That’s a fact.  Should I listen to my own advice and leave?  All my guy friends who’ve wavered about a particular woman never changed their minds.

I decided to stay for now, but told myself to remember how awful this experience has been (humiliating and degrading).  Well…at least there’s a game plan.  He can be mad at me about this.  I think he’s being a total moron about this subject.





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