The Breakup

1 11 2007

Happened Oct 31st: Halloween: 3am. (written a week later) Jax’s phone kept buzzing. It must be an alarm. I get up to turn it off but a word catches my eye “poosy”. I try not to freak out but end up reading a chat thread between him and an old school chum of mine – Lizzie. I’ve known her since I was 13yrs old. She loves male attention and I know they’ve become friends through this hard 2 years. But what I was reading was confusing. It seemed he was calling her “poosy” and she was calling him a sexy name in return. Then I looked at his texts because it seemed I was missing half the story. I NEVER go through Jax’s stuff. I’ve never read his email or anything in 5 years. I had been severely punished as a kid for snooping and I’d been long since cured. But I couldn’t believe what I was reading. They were confiding in each other and talking big time dirty. It’s the kind of stuff Jax and I had always shared in the past.

There was talk of thinly veiled white robes and touching each other at work and in the car on the way back from the airport (she lives out of town)… but the bomb dropped once I saw naked photos she sent of herself and then Jax stupidly sent her a photo of himself in boxers with a hand in trousers. He replied to her photos stuff like you’re hot and I love brunettes (I’m reddish-blonde). It was disgusting and I was crying. Tears streamed down my face. I knew it wasn’t like he cheated on me having sex – but I’ve known her since I was 13.

I’ve told this completely out of order and it is important to say that it appeared like they were just close friends until her naked photos came in. I think it confused his senses and he began thinking with his little brain. To be truthful, I’m astonished it hadn’t happened sooner – after 2 1/2 years of dealing with being a caretaker. The reality was he hadn’t cheated on me but I was heartbroken. I felt he’d mentally cheated on me. Things were at a breaking point. I forced Jax to go sleep on the couch. I kept crying. My birthday was a day away and I didn’t know what to do.

I wanted Jax and I to have these secret rendezvous and sexual adventures. I had been begging him to attack me for a year. But since my pump got put in I think he’s so afraid of hurting me we just can’t seem to gel. We need help.

Nov 1st I just slept after work and for about 12 hours. I couldn’t deal with this Lizzie and Jax thing. She and I texted all day which helped to get a different perspective on things. I hate personal life drama while she thrives on it. Also, she can’t be a friend to a guy without having sex. She told me Jax loves and adores me and thought we were rock solid. WTF!!!??! How did she make the leap that it was okay to talk to him the way she did in send those texts? She should get her own boyfriend. Then she went on to say she feels very unattractive with braces and tummy surgery after her 2 babies: okay, this is where I blew up – and she wanted my Jax to make her feel better about herself. My pump was not elective nor is getting RA! My surgery scars were not elective. And god knows if I’m able to even have kids!!

I fumed for 2 days. During this time Jax and I talked a lot. He felt wretched about it. Naturally, I suggested he could be free to leave me to be with her or anyone else if he wanted. I didn’t want to keep him captive.

He begged me to forgive him. He told me how stupid it was of him and urged me to be open to fixing this. He begged me to go to counseling with him. He agreed to move to our temporarily closed office two doors down.

I felt lost. I couldn’t imagine losing Jax over that bitch. He hadn’t slept with her or even undressed her so I didn’t know if I was allowed to be too mad. After all, I had been married to my work and hardheaded about many things. I couldn’t imagine losing him right when I’m finally feeling better. I agreed to try. The next few days he moved some things over to #12. I couldn’t sleep at all and ended up wandering the street at 6am. I slept on the hardwood floor because I couldn’t sleep in “our” bed. My work was a blur. This was deep pain in my heart. I wished so badly that I didn’t have this happening. For the first time through all of this I wondered why me. How could I have such shit luck?

This is what led me to begin this diary. I’d looked all over the web for people in our situation. I’m sure there are tons but I could only find book excerpts or 5 steps to marital bliss. None of these sites or resources was immediately soothing. Jax stayed in the doghouse but we did talk extensively and honestly. He finally came out with it. “I don’t want to marry someone who emasculates me”. OMG!!! I do that??? “Sometimes”, he says. “When, please tell me when. I never want to do that and I’m so sorry”. Jax went on to mention 2-3 times I made him feel terrible with my sharp tongue. I felt like such an asshole. I remembered the events. One was when I told him to never come to any doctor’s appointments ever again. I was in so much pain. I was crazed, but I couldn’t take back that I had been so mean.

Can we fix “us”? Is it possible to go back to lovers after a patient/caretaker relationship? Well, I guess I’ll find out.
There’s no one else I’d rather try for.

I suppose I could be angrier about the incident but the reality was that Jax had stuck by me through all of this. He helped me in every way possible. I felt deeply compelled to show him the same love and generosity.
Not in the mood for xoxo,
Sasha

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