How Did We Get Here?

3 11 2007

Jax is still living next door. Things just suck without him around. My ball of sunshine is gone. It’s so hard to have him gone even though he’s only a door away. Ironically, we’ve had a good couple of days and he made up for my shitty birthday with a great weekend. Plus, he gave me the exact present I wanted – a new ipod (my old one broke down after too much use). He did it in such a sexy great way!

He had me get blindfolded after we got in the car. He knows that I have pinpoint accuracy with directions and told me not to cheat. Thankfully he drove around different side streets in all different directions to get me turned around. It worked well. I thought we were in Beverly Hills or something. I had no idea what he was up to. I was loving the adventure! I was having a blast. It wasn’t hard to push any lingering memories of badness out of my mind.

He turned off the engine and had me guess where we were. I had a slight feeling where we were based on the parking garage – but only slight. It was such a fun game! We went to the Apple store and he told me to pick out any ipod I wanted. I picked the perfect one for me (I didn’t need the best model and in fact didn’t want it since the primary purpose would be for working out I wanted something a little lighter).

We had a yummy-licious birthday dinner of seafood and Italian. This was just grand. The next day we spent all day relaxing and reading and talking. We walked for two miles and had a lot of fun and giggles. It feels strange to say this, but we were in love and having a great time.

We’re going to see the new therapist in 2 days. I’m so confused about this whole thing. We’ve talked a lot these past few days. I feel like there’s been some sort of breakthrough.

This is from this past Nov 1st and 2nd: At first it was depressing and angry talk: In our argument/conversation about how we ended up like this he tells me about a painful experience where I wouldn’t take a hint. He tells me that he’d once sent me photos of himself naked in the shower. Apparently he asked me about them when I got home from work and just said yes, I got them… and nothing more. I’m so upset he uses this example of feeling burned because I tried for at least a year to get our bedroom windows steaming again. I had bought sex games that he didn’t care to play and offered to go down on him but it was never the right time. In fact, we’d argued a lot about it and he told me I could offer to go down on him when he got home from work, but we had my staff in the office and it wouldn’t be possible since they also worked here at our place or needed me a lot of the time. By the time they left it was too late or something. I don’t know except for that this was becoming a huge issue between us.

Once, a year ago in a fit of anger over having to talk to me about our sex-life, Jax told me I wasn’t exciting enough for him. To this day I can’t get it out of my head. I’m a Scorpio and never been accused of such a terrible thing. What?!??!?! I’m the one who’s asking and begging you to try different things in the hopes of regaining that spark. Had my surgeries been too much? Did I need to leave? I urged him to go with someone else but he stayed and we continued to be in pain over this subject. My dreams became my sexual refuge. I’d even stopped masturbating because I was afraid of waking him up. (I used to masturbate at least 6 times a week). To be fair I was often too sick to feel like masturbating. I was lost…stuck…and still hopelessly in love with Jax. We still had so much fun in other parts of our life.

-sasha

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