Limping Again

4 11 2007

today was one of those kind you wish you could stay in bed but you’ve got to work days. My R.A. Is raging today and I go between limping and having to drive with one arm. Typing’s a nightmare. I just felt so tired I could hardly stay awake.

also it was a day from home because of my 2 doc appts. Stupidly I thought the first was at 10am so I headed out (late of course) rushing. I get there to find out I had it wrong. It was at 215. Geez! So I drive home and get nothing much accomplished. My stack of medical bills and hospital bill calls staring me down.

I headed back the 45min drive for the 2nd time. This one’s the gyn-yay for me! Last time I went was july. I had estrogen levels at the very bottom of the scale and since I’d stopped taking the pill when I had surgery in february I hadn’t had a period. The doc told me to take the pill again anyhow and I’d likely have a period again. She was right.

She reminded me of my 20 pound weight gain. She told me not to even think about a high risk obgyn until I needed to have one. And since I can’t begin to try to have kids for at least one and half years there’s no point now. It’s due to the methotrexate. You can’t get preggers on it or your baby would come out all fucked up looking or worse no soul or something. She’s always nice to me. I need extra kid gloves simply due to my past (childhood was tough). Everything else was fine. I might need minor surgery to remove a tag or leison..but she wants to wait until I’m off the prednisone.

You see, through all of this I would much rather be at work making something of my life. I think it’s such a waste to do doc appts all day-but I learned long ago to stack them up as many can fit in one day.

I raced back to my hood: post office, bank, pharmacy – I won’t have time to get Jax for our first counseling therapy session with new therapist.

we’ve got to get all the way back across town (3rd time today). Basically it’s like going back and forth between albuquerque and santa fe 3 times in one day. Los angeles is huge!

I was so nervous: new therapist. As a maybe couple. In my moment of weakness last night I’d written Jax a letter about how we should date or not see each other for 30 days. I figured this way he could go and meet a woman who could take good care of him. I know it’s nutty because I don’t want to be with someone else. I love Jax – this is just so difficult right now.

Just got out of therapy and finally relaxing a home (very rare indeed). it was only the first session so it was very matter of fact. She did say that we should move back together. THANK GOD!!! I hated Jax being a door down. I’m so relieved and already feel so much better about things. I’m certainly more hopeful if we’re living together. So we made beans on toast – had dinner and I’m about to go to bed. I need to read a business proposal but i’ll have to wait until the morning since I’m wiped. Jax is decompressing and listening to his ipod with stories from Oliver Sachs (author of man who mistook his wife for a hat I highly recommend).

tomorrow is a get things done day. I can’t waste time feeling sorry for myself. I only have 25 days to get this next phase of my project finished and I do need to find more consulting work. I’ve got so many things on my mind.


Day before

I feel less hopeful that this divide can be fixed between Jax and I. He tells me how much he loves me but this illness has taken such a big toll on us. I’m not upset really anymore about the texting events with shirley…but I do think we’re in a totally shitty place. We get along really well – even now…but there is a strain. As Jax puts it “there’s an elephant in the room” which are my diseases. the fact is that I haven’t had the time to repair the damage.

my sleeping meds are working too good and I’m falling asleep fast.


I literally typed this once i felll asleep- no idea what it means. I don’t know any Shirley’s. Hahahaa/

“Remember to write about back from project and subsequent distance. Then shirley texts..”




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