Jax suggested I write about how I feel vs. what’s really happening when I’m at business meals and meetings or even with friends. A few years back I began limping after a movie. It seemed odd, but then again I’m odd so no one took it further than that. It would usually go back to normal after an hour or so. And then, because of pancreatitis, my whole eating habits had to change. Over time it developed into having to order my meals in a special way.
This was incredibly hard for me to get over sounding picky. It’s just that butter will kill me as would alcohol even if the restaurant swears it burns off it isn’t true that it all burns off. I had to become higher maintenance and I dreaded it… and still do.
It’s tremendously exhausting to hide my RA. I have to pretend not to hobble or I say I overstretched my leg exercising. The struggle to get up is immense and I have to hide my face smirks and smudges. For pancreatitis, I try to remember to eat before meetings so that I don’t need to be picky in front of clients. But honestly I’m total crap about remembering to eat at all. (Well, at least until I started taking prednisone). Luckily, some of my colleagues know the drama. They’ve visited me in the hospital at some point.
Generally, I try to hide my pain. I’m positive the effect is horrific for me. Really, the truth is the people who suffer are Jax and I. Sometimes I come home and collapse for hours based on having to hide the pain for so long. If my clients knew the truth they may not hire me again. There’s a whole mental exhaustion component that goes with this. I can’t wait to find out if this is what’s really causing this agony.