Sasha here – I found this photo of me to give you an idea of me…but anonymously me. Over the past week I’ve gotten these incredible rushes of desire to thrust Jax against a wall and to have one of those great movie sex scenes where no one’s arms get tired. We’ve been jovial and having a lot of good laughs. I’m not sure if I should make that leap (no pun intended) of undressing him. I feel there’s so much stuff bubbling under the surface of our joy. Don’t get me wrong – I don’t think negative stuff is flowing like a river underneath nor some heavy resentment…it’s more like some remaining fear about how to move forward and return to a lover-type relationship when it’s been so long since we’ve been able to be there.
There are still my physical fears since the Prednisone has packed on weight even though I work out as much as possible. I still feel grotesque even though friends and Jax have told me otherwise. But that’s not what is underneath this feeling either.
Luckily the therapist has been seeing us in a short amount of time to get the less exciting part of seeing a therapist out of the way. It’s what I call the introductions. They need to know your story before they can start to help you. Mine will be told on Tuesday and I’m dreading it. My past is not a pretty picture and I suppose you’ll discover it just as the therapist does. I’m not unwilling to share it but I certainly hate “going there”. It’s quite painful and brings nightmares and sad thoughts.
For now we’re keeping things in a safe place (Jax and I) and who could blame us after all we’ve been through. It’s 6am and I haven’t gone to sleep yet. I’ve been up painting all night. I love doing it and have sold a number of pieces but I’m sharing it here because I do it for myself. It relaxes me.
Just before I go I want to say that there was one stressful moment between us two. For some lame reason I told Jax tonight that I felt so bad that I’ve said anything cruel to him ever. He coldly but lovingly replied, “Well, don’t beat yourself up about it and just don’t do it”. I was confused. Had I done it again – made him feel emasculated? Oh gosh…I don’t know what I’m doing that’s hurting him. Frustrated he replied “no, I’m not saying your doing it now – just that you don’t have to do it”. It makes me feel like shit and like I must be accidentally doing it all the time. No matter how I write this it doesn’t come out correct. Suffice it to say that this is a hot topic and a touchy one that I need to stay away from until the therapist can address it. I hate to say that about anything in my life, but this is way over my head and I don’t have the tools to deal with it.
I just wish Jax and I could come together and just get over this sex issue once and for all. And although I’m grateful to Lizzie for getting rude with Jax, I’m also deeply upset that he was able to go to a sexual place mentally with her. This is when I feel it’s hopeless between us. I feel like I have to stay away from ever important and real issue in our lives. Granted the idea of kids has been removed for now and the idea of marriage now is preposterous…I just wish I knew whether to stick with it or to throw it in. I’d never willingly split up with Jax – but if I thought he could be happier in a different match I would. Well, I’ve tried but he won’t believe me that there’s probably a better fit for him out there. I’d be devastated… Yet I don’t feel like I’m enough for him anymore. I don’t know how all of this will shake out. A day later: You know what, I’ve totally changed my mind about not feeling like I am enough for Jax. I’m perfect for him. He’s perfect for me. We both are nutty and silly and goofy… and who cares that I have trouble walking from the rheumatoid arthritis and my hands get all useless? We have still been able to laugh about it. Maybe I should just toss him against the wall when he gets home!