I’ve had to put ideas of having sex on a beach at dusk on the sidelines. Truth is I’ve only just begun getting proper treatment for R.A. and I am definitely not well. This might be the first time in my whole life where I can not will myself to be able to do mind over matter. It has really taken me down in a way that I could never believe.
Jax has been so sweet to me and we’re really trying to get back to a good place for both of us. That part is working although i did snap at him last night about ipod settings in itunes. That’s absurd I know… I just felt so horrible I couldn’t seem to help getting frustrated. That’s how our old arguments started. I would feel shitty, he would try to help me, I would get frustrated and BOOM… It was a fight.
I was supposed to deal with business insurance paperwork today but I was truly unable to get out from under my fog. I’ve never felt this awful before. It hits my voice and i sound like death. I’m not sure how or why it hits my vocal chords, but it does. I’ve read on webmd that this can happen.
We went to our third session of couples therapy and it was heavy and I spent most of it sniffling and in tears. Believe me when I say that nothing that Jax has done would put a normal person in tears, but i just feel so awful that I don’t have the strength not to cry about the smallest things. It is absurd. I’m a strong person. Why am I crying at lame television commercials?
We went to sleep at 330am last night due to Jax’s work (I didn’t need to stay up but I have terrible insomnia). Jax had a tough day at work…technology can be such a bitch. Plus, the therapy was plain exhausting. I was supposed to tell my life story, but it just didn’t seem to happen that way. Instead we talked about some of these painful topics that I’ve touched on in here. Turns out that the comment that hurt my feelings the other day was meant to be a little joke… or a way of changing the subject… but I took it wrong. Maybe this therapy thing might be a good idea just to get miscommunications out of the way.
We go back tomorrow and maybe I’ll get my story out. The idea of going 2 days a week is not going to last. It’s too much, but I’m glad we did it just at the beginning to get all of the formalities out the door.
Last thing before I go (I have a business dinner with an old friend/colleague that I’d like to go to but I really do feel so bad. This is when it really drives home how insane this is. He’s only in town for 1 more day and so i feel partially obligated while another part of me actually wants to see him since his wife and he have been good friends to me from afar. The other part of me wants to collapse. It is a typical no win situation so i just grin and bear it and try my best to get through it.
Jax might not go because he feels so awful. It’s rare that he feels dreadful but this whole thing is exhausting for everyone involved.
So I talked to a woman friend of a friend that told me she’s been in remission for 6 years. She had been wheelchair bound and also one of the first on embrel (the drug) when it was just in trials. she insisted that i get on it and said it would change my life. she also said that she’s had no side effects. What!?!?!!?! No side effects??!! I’m calling my doctor tomorrow morning.
over and out – sasha