Giggling and Paranoia

18 11 2007

veeabs.jpg I dragged myself to the doctor this morning. I had gotten a call for work on friday but they must’ve found someone right away, so this week is just going to have to be uber-productive for me here rather than out. Back to the doc (least favorite subject)… She can be warm and bubbly but then turn stern and cold. This RA doc is good, but I’m bored with all docs. She tells me the prednisone has made me fat along with eating too much. I know she’s right but I wanted to argue about how she made me take that f-ing drug for the past 3 months. She’s going to keep me on methotrexate and also she begun the process of blood work and tb test to put me on embrel. I never heard of that drug until 3 weeks ago. This is all very overwhelming.

Jax and I have been going to therapy which was so exhausting last week. I had to tell my life story up to my 35 years now. I don’t think I got pas 13 since it is so dramatic. My story doesn’t seem that different from others with sexual abuse and physical violence laid out for so many years.

One theory is that it caused some part of my 2 chronic illnesses. I’m not sure how much is genetic vs environmental vs chemical vs who knows… I also find dwelling on the past takes me out of living for right now, so it’s not something I allow myself to get caught up in.

Jax knows many of the horror stories. One of my 3 brothers is schizophrenic. He’s so sweet and lovely now as a 40 yr. Old, but when he was a kid up to 30 he was a beast. He was so violent that he tried to kill me and another brother Clive on many occasions. I mean this very literally with no exaggeration of the truth.

Jax listened to me tell my story in a cold and distant way. I didn’t want to get wrapped up in it. I told my history from a distant planet so I don’t have to feel all of it all over again. It causes such horrible nightmares if I do let it get to me that it simply isn’t worth getting emotional over.

I wonder how much of this site Jax has read. Does he know how badly I want to tear his clothes off when we wrap up for the evening? Does he know how badly I want to toss flowers and mellow music through our room so he can toss me down and makeup/make-out? I’m so sorry I don’t know how to cook. I’d put some aphrodisiac in the mix.

I asked Jax to get me stoned since I can’t ever drink again. I hadn’t been high since I was 19. So this weekend we tried it out. I had lovely thoughts about him and the world, but it makes me really hallucinate for about 1.5 hrs. I lost track of time and spacial awareness. I usually become paranoid. I wonder how common this is. The paranoia doesn’t last more than the initial hour and a half. I felt safe and giggled non-stop. The wall and everything around me became a cubist painting and I couldn’t stop asking what time it was since my sense of time was so dramatically altered. Jax was laughing. It was a fun time.

if you’re wondering how or why I hadn’t done it since I was 19, I had done so much by 19 that I needed to dry out. I became sober when I was 19. At the time it was highly unusual but there were some people my age. There was a deep sense of camaraderie – oh and of course – pain.

it allowed me to be highly focused on my career and to excel beyond normal conventions. I’m proud of it. The only time I drank again was when I was 9 years sober. It was very monitored and not an issue. I loved white russians and gin and tonics, but it was not to be… 6 months later I had acute pancreatitis and i’ll never drink a drop in my life. The only reason I hadn’t smoked pot in 16 years is because it made me so intensely paranoid. I had some bad experiences.

I wouldn’t say I’ve changed my mind about that. I think it will be very rare indeed that I do it again anytime soon.

-sasha

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