I’d rather be working (or having sex) one or the other in no particular order. I just feel so zapped of my true purpose on this planet today. I have a big project I need to work on, but instead I sat in traffic all day going to 3 doctor’s appointments. I am soooo DONE with it. I got my pump refilled (they take a needle and pull out the old medicine and put in new medicine), got my TB test read so that I can go on Embrel in a few weeks, and visited an endocrinologist.
Initially I forgot why I made the appointment. I’ve never seen an Endocrinologist before. This doc was great and methodical, and then I remembered – I went to see him so he could get a base line after my pump installation surgery so that when I want to have kids he knows what’s up. After this couples therapy with Jax and having him so stressed out that I could die being pregnant, I wanted to leave the doc’s office.
I want to be very clear that my life is much bigger than doc appointments, Jax, and my love for my work. I know I have these medical issues that sometimes (everyday) rule my life, but there’s so much more to me. I feel like I paint this very one dimensional person who just obsesses about her mate and what they do together. I have to say for the record that the entire reason I started this blog was because I couldn’t find (at the time) any other 30-somethings in a relationship going through this intense pressure of not only the normal concerns but many added stresses including but not limited to:
THIS LIST IS NOT IN ANY PARTICULAR ORDER.
TOP TEN LIST (OR MORE)
1) work & hiding it – It’s tough working around the zillions of doc appointments. It’s exhausting to do what I do which is to refuse to let it affect my work. I refused to mention it to anyone for years until I ended up in the hospital and Er rooms so frequently that i didn’t have a choice. One time I was in 3 ER’s in 3 days and I was overdue on a client project as a result. For some crazy reason I refused to let anyone around me tell the clients I was ill. Now, five years later I can’t keep up that act. I never let it be an excuse for work but I do mention that I have to go to a doctor’s appt. Ironically, even though I know i’m very good at my job I will always come back to work after a doctor visit even if it means staying until 3 or 4am. I know this is stupid… but I feel it does keep me in better standing.
2) depression – This is probably #1. Chronic illness actually can change the chemicals in your brain and cause depression. Going to 3 docs in one day can cause depression. As the Cymbalta advert says “depression hurts”. Chronic illness and depression go hand and hand. This is the item that few people that are not in pain don’t understand. This is not a choice. You can’t think your way out of it. In my experience it just is – or it isn’t there. I can try very hard to think my way out of it – but sometimes it is still just there.
3) living together – we live together and love it, but the issue now is that Jax was forced to become my caretaker in order to be sure I lived through some of our darkest days, but naturally this health stuff dissolved our sex life – how can it not when you’re in severe and chronic pain.
4) cooking/eating – I not only have Rheumatoid Arthritis, but I also have Pancreatitis so this is a huge issue for us…”what can I eat today” is always a topic.
5) kids – yes or no…they could literally kill you before they even come out and at the least you’d have to get off most of your meds therefore being in agony for over 9 months. what if kids came but then so did death to the ill person? would it have been worth it? Are there steps in place to deal with what will happen with the kids if the ill person then dies?
5B) Having to be so fucking adult and face very harsh circumstances with grave outcomes – ARGH!! I am tired of having to be so adult about all of this. i just want to kick and scream and shout about how mad it makes me. example – having to almost get that stomach feeding tube. Read the story.
6) marriage – do you get married just so that your mate has medical approval in case of a dire emergency? does this change what marriage is meant to be about? does it make it happen sooner? or in fact does it worry the shit out of him (or her) so that it gets put off forever so that the sick person doesn’t have to stress out about anything else? this subject is filled with stresses.
7) excuses – I NEVER let any of this ever be an excuse for not doing something. EVER – in fact, this can work against me health wise when I try to do what everyone else is doing, but I just refuse to be seen as a sick person even if that is killing me to hide it.
8 ) insomnia – I haven’t figured this one out but I have it bad
9) medications cause constipation /diarea/nausea/vomiting – which then affects performance in meetings, work, at home in every aspect.
10) extra stress in interpersonal relationships that would never be there otherwise… the person who is not sick is forced really to be in control if there’s no other family around (which is our situation), has to assume certain roles and responsibilities or they’ll break up. Jax says “if he didn’t want to be the caretaker or said that’s someone else’s job – not mine – then we would’ve only lasted 5 minutes” and also, “as a caretaker you are always being a second pair of eyes for food, medicine, this is something that husbands or boyfriends never have to worry about.”
11) I’m sure there are many more – but I am starving and it is Taco Tuesday that we’re having on Wednesday.
tacos! yum! it’s the small things in life! – sasha