Understanding

22 11 2007

Today I’m going to try to write from Jax’s perspective.  I wonder what life is like through his skin – or at the least – today.  let’s see.  Hhhhmmm (clearing throat to change voices).

Hi.  I’m Jax.  I live with sasha who is mad and crazy and I love her.  She’s tremendously unique and drives me nuts, but I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else.  (she couldn’t imagine being with anyone else either).  We’ve been through an incredible and challenging 3 years.  I moved here to be with her and there’s not one day I regret it.

For the past 3 years I’ve had to be the caretaker.  She was often in the hospital or being evacuated from another city via ambulance and I worry about her health.  I worry about her living.

now I have to switch back to just being me – sasha.   Jax told me he’s having a hard time reseting to being lovers after being a caretaker for so long.  I really do understand his struggle and know it can’t be an immediate switch.

tonight in therapy I was so flustered.  The traffic was dreadful and the stress was intense.  I knew I had to ask how we can break the and get our game back on.  She asked us to not have sex – I repeat – not have sex.  i’m open to anything that helps us.  She asked us to have 3 sessions, not long, where we just touch each other.

we also argued a bit about daily living, but at the core we are just little kids who want to be loved.  He’s so afraid of hurting me or letting me down that we’re all rolled up in a ball.  The irony is that the only way he can let me down is by not trying.  I honestly don’t care about sex-sex.  I just want to be hugged and squeezed and loved (but he DOES do all of those things daily). I just want him to not worry so much about me…but I totally respect, understand, and love that he does.

I’ve become more responsible about taking my meds each day, about getting up, exercising, and even invoicing clients.  I’m trying to remove some of his burdens.

Jax is asleep on the couch since I stayed up painting all night.  It’s time to go to bed and dream of a less stressful tomorrow.  Thankfully, we have a 4 day weekend to play and have some real fun.

I’m extremely lucky to have Jax in my life.  I want to do what it will take to make us work.  I’m finally getting my life back (thanks to prednisone, methotrexate, and folic acid, my pump, and optimism).  I need to remember these less harsh times when we get dropped and stumble.

-need to get back to work – Sasha

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