Denying the Obvious

25 11 2007

On saturday I was in a foul mood. My pancreas was killing me the moment I woke up. The pain stretched down my ribs. I took my meds right away and fought with you over staying in bed. I refuse to baby this pain. I refuse to sit back and watch my life slip past me as it’s done so many times these past few years.

I’m hoping you remember our “appointment”. That would cheer me up. I’ve grown desperate for your touch. Luckily, we show a lot of general affection for each other all the time, but I want to bask in your light. I want to stick to the idea of intimacy being fun and play like our therapist talked about doing.

as each hour passes I grow impatient. I don’t want to feel like I twisted your arm to be sexual with me. I feel so awful about myself already. My pants don’t fit, my shirt is tight, the bags under my eyes show how the pain is taking me with it. I want to escape with you Jax. Why can’t you let “us” happen? What’s underneath? How much pain are you hiding? As the day wears on..nothing.

I leave for awhile to run some errands. You ask to stay behind. Before I return I send you a photo of myself at the gas station. I text “miss you”. you offer to help me in. The day winds into night and now I can’t hide my depression and sadness. We fight. At midnight I finally get the courage to tell you what’s got me caught up. I couldn’t imagine our conversation going well but you surprise me, as always.

we talk for hours unraveling the core issues. As we go along I realize that as the caretaker role swept you away you did what you had to do. Sadly, our relationship comes after concerns like will she live or die, does she need meds, and will she over do it today and suffer unnecessarily if I don’t stop her? And so on.

I’m going to throw in the towel at this thought and remind myself to finish the alerts this coming week. by that i mean this: we came up with an alert system to determine whether you should be relaxed or in a state of worry over me. it is identical to the terrorist alerts we’ve grown to hate.

it’s clear that the therapist and doctors talk to you as if I am 100% fine and I can take care of myself. Your body and heart knows a different story and you won’t be fooled again by this backwards system. I’ll do my best to help you.

I do admit that before I found out that i have RA (rheumatoid arthritis) I would never want to admit that I was in pain. It wasn’t going to go away so why admit it? With RA it is different. I can’t hide the pain. I limp when my legs can’t take it. My fingers swell and I have to take off my rings. The signs are so obvious.  I don’t feel like excercising at all!

The Methotrexate or Prednisone are making me feel like tossing up my lunch. At all costs keep it down – if I let it come up it has always meant a hospital visit. I must keep it all down.

-Sasha. xoxox




One response

30 11 2007

This sounds so familiar.

Especially this…

“Sadly, our relationship comes after concerns like will she live or die, does she need meds, and will she over do it today and suffer unnecessarily if I don’t stop her?”

I’m sorry you’re going through this too.

You are not alone.


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