I’ve always maintained that sunday mornings define a relationship. It’s a metaphor for the temperature of it all. If it’s usually spent apart then the outlook is cold and rainy. If it’s spent together then there’s a mutual heat being produced by the couple. It shows a desire to have things hot or at least warm and cozy. This particular sunday was no exception.
The pain drew me out of bed. It wasn’t a sharp, teeth clenching pain. It was more of an ache in my arms and legs. My calves have calmed down finally and have given way to the chill in the air. My neck and hip bones couldn’t take another moment of being still.
you were peacefully sleeping and told me you were dreaming of wiley coyote without the roadrunner. Normally you’re up first so I insisted on letting you sleep. I sat outside and let the sun warm me up as I read a work proposal for a friend. I didn’t mind doing the favor. Knowing you were sound asleep was comforting. I made coffee and took my medications. This combination is helping, so I slipped on an old shirt and hoped it would fit. Not yet…with the holiday week I haven’t lost one pound. I can only blame myself since I’ve eaten a larger share of my own baked pumpkin pie. Shame on me!
I changed shirts to a larger old faithful and primped myself before waking you. I hate wearing these baggy shirts and wonder how I could’ve eaten so much this week. The doctor told me I had no more excuses and needed to lose weight. I have no knowledge of how to do this since I’ve never had to lose weight before – in fact, after 3 years of being dangerously low it seems crazy to not eat when I can. I need to relearn everything it seems.
I made coffee and woke you up slowly. I was hoping you’d remember our appointment with each other. We drove for bagels and walked through a farmer’s market. The prices are higher than at hollywoodls market. You swear you see a pregnant man and we giggle. We come home and indulge in our smoked salmon and capers. I can’t believe I eat the whole thing without feeling sick.
I tried to send you brainwaves to keep our appointment and you say it out aloud. I’m so happy inside I want to scream. You wil allow me to touch you like lovers do. The doc said no intercourse – and I’m happy you’ll be less worried about hurting me. I need to write about the alert levels we discussed the night before.
I prepared my ipod and a book of erotic tales from the 16th and 17th centuries when words like “my rod” and “cunny” were used. I pull my clothes off and notice your shirt and underwear are still on. Was I supposed to leave mine on? I quickly determine that it’s too late to put clothes back on and besides we sleep together naked every night. we were nervous and awkward…funny given we’ve been together almost 5 years and had sex more times than the year Columbus sailed the ocean blue. The difference was our recent gap of 8 months since my surgery and our last romp. The bigger difference was that with our doc’s rules you wouldn’t have to worry about hurting me. We wouldn’t be rolling on top of each other or getting too frisky. We need to relearn each other’s bodies and that I’m more than just a sick person and you’re more than just a caretaker.
For a moment I feel a horrible pang that I forgot to call my brother. He’s schizophrenic and doesn’t live near family. I feel bad that I’ve been a bad sister and haven’t called since wednesday. I meant to call on thanksgiving and wish life was easier.
we slip under the covers and I remember a time before things got crazy when we’d shower together and soap suds slipping down your bum. Your beautiful bum. I grab it and we giggle. My music selection softens the room. I lit candles to make a safe nest. I let go of thoughts about my piles of work and hope you’ll feel safe and like being silly. I read one tale of the novice virgin who is dying to hear of her friend’s sexual escapades. I read just long enough before switching stories so I don’t lull you to sleep with my raspy voice.
We giggle at the stories as they unfold. My feet are ice cold and I beg you to warm them up. You squeal. After I finished reading we were both 10 degrees hotter and your arms were wrapped around my breasts. I decided to let go of control and let whatever happen as it may. We roll and kiss and feel our way around each other as if we’ve been blind. We have. We kiss a real solid strong kiss – the kind that drives me wild. This is what I’ve been craving. This is what’s been missing. This is the real you I remember before Caretaker Jax was forced to step in. Before I have time to think, Jax tells me he loves me. He uses my name, “Sasha”. I glow. He explains he’s so sorry things got so crazy. I feel strongly he has no reason to apologize. He’s a hero. He stuck with me through the worst of it and then some. He became my caretaker out of necessity and he didn’t run away. I admire Jax more than he’ll ever totally know.
I realize I really want my feet rubbed and out of character I actually ask for it out loud. I’m shocked by my own request…it’s normally so hard for me to do. You mention that you don’t like sucking toes and I am very honest when I say I don’t like my toes sucked. as you turn completely around I realize this position is similar to him going down on me. I’ve never been comfortable at receiving pleasure, but neither are you. We’re learning everything from a new perspective. I love every second of it but want to return the favor before I get greedy for your affections. I have almond massage oil and offer to do your back. Luckily, you’re vocal about what you like and what you need. I reflect and wish that every moment moving forward should be like this…letting yourself enjoy pleasure without needing to return the favor.
I remind myself the doc asked us to be brief and not do a marathon session. I tell you I’m wrapping up. I finish rubbing the oil into your soft skin. you ask me to lie down on your back. I squeeze you and I feel this might end up working out for us. Yesterday I was so gloomy since we had missed 2 of our 3 appointments. Now I feel like there’s hope for us again.
we pull our clothes back on and decide to see a movie. You go to eat alone at mc-e-dees. I feel temporarily lost. I stayed behind to read. After I ate at home you returned. I kicked myself for eating too many leftovers.
finally we headed out for a movie and came upon the LA christmas parade. We marveled at the marching bands and old chevys. Inside the theater we briefly spoke about our afternoon retreat. It was fun and joyful and we’re set to do our next session monday night.
It was a perfect Sunday.
-Over and out: Sasha xoxox