Getting Nervous

15 12 2007

I’m getting nervous about my rheumatologist appt. on Monday.  I haven’t lost any weight since my last appt. and dread hearing about it from the doc.  I’m hoping she prescribes me Embrel and takes me off of methotrexate. It’s been 2 months since my diagnosis and I still can’t deal with the lame name for something so severe.  How can if affect so many things but just be RA?  How can it be?
After that I go directly to my pain management doc.  I need to get my meds before I leave town.  I still have to take pain killers each day (small dose twice a day) because the pancreas pain is more than i can bear.  I’m going to ask to get my pump turned to a higher dose since the breakthrough pain is coming more often.  I can’t tell what pain is coming or going and I’m trying so hard to stay positive.

This has been such a shit week for health.  Jax has a stomach bug and has thrown up about 5 times today.  What a pair we are!!!  I’m staying positive but have so much work that I feel like i’m going to sink.  If I didn’t love my work it would be a different story – but the truth is that I love MY work, but dont love working for my clients when I feel so crap like this.

I haven’t painted in over a week.  I might tonight but have just felt so depleted of energy.  I just want to be myself again.  I’ve been reading about a woman who goes on a spiritual journey to India and it makes me wonder if I’d ever have the energy again to do something like that.  I wouldn’t be able to eat anything there without killing myself so probably not.  I love traveling but spices and curries would definitely kill me.

The real truth is a read an article about pancreatic cancer.  When I feel depressed like I do today then I hope to god that it doesn’t knock on my door.  I was told that I wouldn’t get diabetes even though my pancreas is broken.  I was told it would not affect it at all.  “No chance in fact that they are related”, said a doc.  But I have diabetes as of just recently and so I worry about pancreatic cancer.

There’s so much that the docs don’t know yet about our bodies!  It is astonishing!

I’ve been trying to hire a new teammate to help get stuff done.  There’s too much to do and I’m sinking, but I don’t have the energy to train anyone right now.  I did hire a new teammate for 2008.  Luckily, I already know him and he knows about my health issues.

I dont’ have time to deal with getting presents.  I don’t have the energy on top of my work overtime.  I have to juggle the doc appts and therapy and somehow also juggle getting gifts!  This is too much.  I’m going to ask Jax if we can do gifts 2 weeks later.  Last year we did it a week later and that worked great.  Maybe he’ll be relieved.  We don’t have kids so there’s no reason to impose torture on ourselves.  Shit – I may never have kids.  I may not ever be able to have kids.  ohhh……that’s a street I shouldn’t take my mind down.  (See here if you’re interested to know my thoughts on it).

I need cheering up!




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