I’m getting nervous about my rheumatologist appt. on Monday. I haven’t lost any weight since my last appt. and dread hearing about it from the doc. I’m hoping she prescribes me Embrel and takes me off of methotrexate. It’s been 2 months since my diagnosis and I still can’t deal with the lame name for something so severe. How can if affect so many things but just be RA? How can it be?
After that I go directly to my pain management doc. I need to get my meds before I leave town. I still have to take pain killers each day (small dose twice a day) because the pancreas pain is more than i can bear. I’m going to ask to get my pump turned to a higher dose since the breakthrough pain is coming more often. I can’t tell what pain is coming or going and I’m trying so hard to stay positive.
This has been such a shit week for health. Jax has a stomach bug and has thrown up about 5 times today. What a pair we are!!! I’m staying positive but have so much work that I feel like i’m going to sink. If I didn’t love my work it would be a different story – but the truth is that I love MY work, but dont love working for my clients when I feel so crap like this.
I haven’t painted in over a week. I might tonight but have just felt so depleted of energy. I just want to be myself again. I’ve been reading about a woman who goes on a spiritual journey to India and it makes me wonder if I’d ever have the energy again to do something like that. I wouldn’t be able to eat anything there without killing myself so probably not. I love traveling but spices and curries would definitely kill me.
The real truth is a read an article about pancreatic cancer. When I feel depressed like I do today then I hope to god that it doesn’t knock on my door. I was told that I wouldn’t get diabetes even though my pancreas is broken. I was told it would not affect it at all. “No chance in fact that they are related”, said a doc. But I have diabetes as of just recently and so I worry about pancreatic cancer.
There’s so much that the docs don’t know yet about our bodies! It is astonishing!
I’ve been trying to hire a new teammate to help get stuff done. There’s too much to do and I’m sinking, but I don’t have the energy to train anyone right now. I did hire a new teammate for 2008. Luckily, I already know him and he knows about my health issues.
I dont’ have time to deal with getting presents. I don’t have the energy on top of my work overtime. I have to juggle the doc appts and therapy and somehow also juggle getting gifts! This is too much. I’m going to ask Jax if we can do gifts 2 weeks later. Last year we did it a week later and that worked great. Maybe he’ll be relieved. We don’t have kids so there’s no reason to impose torture on ourselves. Shit – I may never have kids. I may not ever be able to have kids. ohhh……that’s a street I shouldn’t take my mind down. (See here if you’re interested to know my thoughts on it).
I need cheering up!