As you might have guessed I am a type A personality.. opinionated and sometimes crass… but i do have a softer side: This spiritual journey. I’ve been reading about a woman’s journey to find herself. I read a a lot and so this is nothing out of the ordinary for me. I alternate between non-fiction, classic, current
(like the Fuckup) and so on.
I find it fascinating that a person would go to the other side of the world for months to discover what- inside of them. It seems to be the opposite of intuitive. I’ve often thought about meditating and how it would likely be good for me. I’ve had many spiritual “leaders” suggest I do it. Once, I studied kundalini yoga for a year. I got up at 3am and took friends to go meditate at 4am. My mind went to many incredible places, but I found it was too intense. I couldn’t get grounded in my daily life.
In the book this woman tries to meditate and has issues letting go of her generic thoughts. She struggles with becoming a blank canvas required of a great meditative experience. I’ve spent so long outside my body as a kid and as an adult when the pain is too intense. The book explains how she must get in touch with god so that she can commit to being herel it sounds very complicated and also a bit spoiled of her.
For me, I can stay at home and be reminded of this every day due to my disease. Each day I make the decision to be alive. Each day I must commit myself to living it fully. I can’t rest on my laurels and take anything for granted or else I might make a silly decision that would compromise my health and my life.
My RA is raging today since I’ve gone down on the prednisone. it makes me wonder if the methotrexate is doing any good at all. I’m exhausted from the fight my body is having with itself. I want a break!! I’m sad for the friends I’ve lost because I don’t have the energy to hang out. I’m sad for the ones who stopped calling back. I’ve tried so hard to stay positive and to not complain. I’m just tired.
trying to live by the light.