raining inside

6 01 2008

It’s raining…pouring outside. I’ve got an umbrella stuffed down my jacket so I can type on my phone & stay dry. I’ve got a case of deep depression right now. My meds aren’t even cutting through it. I feel so pathetic right now. My umbrella (brollie) just broke apart. Jax is asleep…I’m outside feeling sorry for myself.

It could be: lack of sex (seriously), jax & my future: probably no and never kids (which I’m not ready for now but I’m 35 and freaked out that it will be impossible due to health risks/complications), client job I never did and can’t seem to do (a first that i’ve hardly even tried), one more day of antibiotics but still with cold, still fat from prednisone (or just life), 2 shitty chronic diseases plus more symptoms that seem to point to lupus, too much work on deadline, worried that Jax is tired of me and seeking pleasure elsewhere, maybe it’s the fact that people think i’m fine by looking @ me (except obviously i weigh more) but the energy to hide all this or just not go on and on about it is exhausting – forget chronic fatigue syndrome this is where a lot of my exhaustion comes from, lack of sleep from so much pain and agony, and last: knowing I should be all spiritual and shit about this all. Oh and then the symptoms of the diseases which kicked my ass left and right all week. -sasha.

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