When I think about chaos vs. Divine order I always end up at thinking it must be both. I simply desire my diseased body to return to its youthful bounce and for him to reach his fingers under my panties while thrusting his mouth on mine. I can paint a picture where we’re swimming out from this flood. The reality is that I often feel I’m drowning.
Right now I’m tracking the time off of all meds (other than cymbalta, the pill, and my pancreatic inthrathecal pump meds) to see how long it takes to become totally immobile. That’s right, immobile- meaning how long it takes my body to go back to the time before the prednisone, methotrexate, and blah-de-blah. I know that’s not optimistic but it’s reality. So far it’s Day 2: I am swollen and my shoulders and feet hurt. I feel depression creeping in and out. Jax and I must try to have some private sexual time or else i’ll feel like hope is lost.