are you depressed?

22 01 2008

“Are you depressed?” the doctor asks me.  I ponder each word “are..you..” That’s me.  “Depressed”.  The word hangs like it’s own sentence, paragraph, entire document, and all of life itself.  My first thought is “how would I know i’m depressed if i’ve been depressed so long I forgot what being truly happy felt like?” But I have had moments of true happiness and loving and loved.

“Depressed…” My second thought is that I take meds for it so I don’t feel like being dead anymore, but I certainly don’t spend whole days smiling like they do in commercials- but I have a company to run here!  “Depressed…” I want to say no, never since I don’t want to complain and be on his depressed patient list.  “Depressed…” The medications I’ve been forced to take in order to walk made me 40 pounds heavier in 5 months.   but there are more important things… “Depressed…” I still ache everywhere.  Is it RA or is it depression like the tv advert?  Plus, I think, I don’t sit on the end of my bed and stare into space while I tell my kid I won’t play ball with them.  Heck, I don’t know if it’s even safe for me to have kids with my 2 chronic diseases.

And that thought takes me to “depressed…” wouldn’t you be if it hurt to walk, to write, to hold hands, to sit, to stand, to go up stairs, to reach, to …. It goes on and on.  I don’t want to sound pathetic so I say “sometimes”.  That’s true given my glimpses of joy when my insomnia subsides and I can goto sleep.  It’s also true when my love Jax takes so much care in my good health.  It’s also true when an old friend reaches out (just when you think they’re all gone forever) and says, “i don’t care if you complain every time we talk and that’s all you do-i just want to stay friends”.  and really means it.

“Depressed?”  Yes, absolutely – but I refuse to let it define me.

-Sasha

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2 responses

27 01 2008
typeawithra

dear angela, i’ve been on cymbalta for almost 2 years…and yes it has its hiccups and certainly not the only one out there – but it did help massively. i’m a painter and i was so afraid that it would take away my edge…my creative thing… which i also need for work. It did none of these. my does is fairly low and really just keeps thoughts of wanting to kill myself at bay. i mean i really had lost the will to live at one point due to pancreatitis and before i had my pump. thanks for your message and i’m happy you wrote the last part about conquering them – we must stay positive. our life depends on staying positive! – sasha

22 01 2008
Angela

I think I probably suffer from depression and/or anxiety, too, yet I’ve never taken any medication for it. I’m scared to, frankly. Especially lately I keep wondering if maybe it’s something I should at least try – maybe meds would make me actually feel better. Most days I just feel really heavy and weighted down, trudging through life, often feeling frustrated and sad about the pain, the losses. Yeah, I don’t know. I’m sorry to read about your struggles and I really hope you can find things to help you get through them..no, to conquer them! 🙂 Thanks for writing this post.

Take care,
Angela

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