swollen like marshmallow man

8 02 2008

that’s me.  i’ve been a miserable bitch lately.  i’m sure of it.  i’ve accidentally yelled at Jax over 3 times this week.  I usually don’t yell at him that much over 3 months.  it’s just been a struggle to maintain peace and joy lately.  (Click on more to read about our couples therapy this week or about Jax and I).  I saw old friends and it felt so good to have their arms around me for that moment when you hug and say hello.  I’ve had a couple of dreams where I’m making love to a woman  that shows up in my paintings.  I just need to be felt up on a dance floor or something.  I just need to feel hot for a moment.  I know I’m not right now (171lbs due to prednisone).    I want to make Jax feel so hot he climbs up the walls.

Plus, work’s been tough now that i’ve started a new apprentice and have zero time and too many clients.  With the predicted recession which has already hit my business it would be dangerous to turn work/clients down.  But as those of you with pancreatitis must know – it’s also dangerous to not let my body have a break.  It’s been non-stop since the christmas holiday party season (literally) this has always been the busiest time of my work (dec-august). plus a friend died at 27 yrs old and ive been deeply upset aboutit this week.  he lived in zimbabwe.

i started on enbrel one week ago.  now all of my old meds have worn off i am so swollen like a blimp or marshmallow man.  i feel down and angry about things which ticks me off since i usually think about positive things.  i thought i felt the enbrel working but now… (read more about prednisone, weight loss plan, and  couples therapy)… i dont think so.  i’m mad at my doctor for telling me the only reason he’s put me on enbrel is due to the mri showing a lot of bone damage.  he said he couldn’t see the swelling last week.  there would be no doubt in his mind today.  Also, i’m week 2 of my weight watchers diet.  i’ve lost some which is awesome!!  (see earlier blogs on weight battle due to prednisone).

i’m proud of my blog on the “items people find my site while they’re searching for…”  it’s been a success.  i love my work – i just wish i could enjoy it while i’m swollen and tired and grumpy.

COUPLES THERAPY UPDATE:  we skipped this week due to me feeling horrible and too busy.  I really felt like death that day and couldn’t fathom driving across LA to get there.  we are not doing great  (Jax and I) from moment to moment.  It’s this damn RA taking it’s toll on us.  I need help getting up, going up stairs, and of the couch.  It’s too hard for me right now.  Running my biz on top of it is driving me nuts.   I almost said “we’re through” last night – but thought i should calm down before breaking up.   Wise choice.

I saw an old boyfriend last night and I’d never go out with him again but I did have a dream about shagging him again.  – I suppose we’re at least allowed our fantasies during otherwise sexually dry times.  I wish Jax would be sexually interested in me again.  I think he sees the disease.  I want him to pull my clothes off and grab my breasts in his hand and tell me he thinks it’s hot when my breasts are so much bigger than normal.  I don’t feel sexy at all right now and Jax isn’t helping.  He’s been tuning out listening to his ipod.  He squeezes me and gives me loads of attention and kisses – but I need sexual attention right now.  I’m sure he does too but he cant seem to let me in right now.

– Sasha  (I need a zen moment)




4 responses

18 02 2008

you are so right about balance. i loved your comment. thanks so much! everything you wrote is so much the story of my struggle. finding balance and not running too far from the pain so that i don’t overdo it. thank you! -sasha

13 02 2008

OK…it gets easier…sort of. The older I have gotten, the more I get used to pain. I remember hurting soooo bad at your age. Now at 52 it’s more of an annoyance than the old front and center pain was.

As you are finding out, keeping busy and distracted is a two edged sword. The more you lose yourself, the less you pay attention to the pain. BUT…you can’t overdo or you get too fatigued and sore.

Balance is a nice goal to strive for. I’ll let you know if I ever achieve it 😉

10 02 2008

Please tell me it gets easier. I can’t stand it. I really can’t.

9 02 2008

I’m sorry you hurt so much and life seems so tough. Been there done that for years. The only thing that pulls me through is my faith. Hang in there!

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