As many of you know, this blog is about my journey being a type-a person and running a company while living with 2 chronic diseases (skip down to the medical laundry list). I love living with my love Jax. He’s truly amazing and sweet and hot and just all around terrific. Due to the dynamics of our personalities I’m constantly pushing too hard and he tries to reign me in so I don’t accidentally kill myself by overdoing it. Jax has taken care of me through some terrible times, but this inadvertantly set him up in the caretaker role. I never meant for it to happen..it just did. I’m now doing truly so much better – in fact I’m able to walk normally again and able to hide my issues almost 100% again. And now comes the problems with us – the true tale of Jax and Sasha. Note: this entry is definitely about sex and relationships.
For the first time in my five year relationship I slept purposely on the couch in protest. Jax and I’ve been going to couples therapy for 3 months and so far no results other than a few “appointments” in bed. I’m not greedy and don’t expect Jax to be able to shed his caretaker role on a dime now that the enbrel’s started working, but I would like a sexy touch here or there for even 2 minutes.
Forget throwing me up against a door or on the table for mad passionate sex…. And a personal fave of sex in the kitchen -he made it quite clear last night when I asked him why… He said it’s because I’m too fragile. And that he can’t just switch out of being the caretaker. But I’m hardly ill now. Sure I have a pump for my pancreas and injections for my RA but I clean the whole house, run my own company, have 2 employees, and work on site for clients almost 12 hrs. everyday! I’m not needy now except some extra sleep now and then. Sure he’s seen me in awful predicaments, but I’m on the mend.
It makes me feel like an ogre, disgusting, repulsive. And the extra prednisone weight doesn’t help my self-esteem. Even though we do kiss a lot and snuggle & sleep naked and such it’s still not the all-knowing touch of my lover. Where did he go? Jax has hidden him away or my worst nightmare-using that energy elsewhere (I’m not a freaky jealous person so I’ve got no clue if this is just an absurd thought). This is all massively complicated by my age 35 and my desire to one day have a family. My doctors told me not to wait past 36 since my health isn’t great.
So what do I do? I love Jax and don’t want to be with someone else. Will I just have to suck it up and not have kids because Jax worries so much about me? Right now I see all of this as a curse.
I just feel so gross and disgusting to him. I don’t get why he stays with me if he doesn’t want to have sex ever. I’m sure he wants to have sex – but not with someone he feels he could break. But look at how much I’ve already done and been through! My business and work has been totally successful. I’ve been successful despite all the challenges. I refuse to be treated like I’m diseased and contagious.
Forget sex- I just want to get naked under the covers and feel each other up and down and everywhere. I want to use the coupons I made for christmas. Instead they’re gathering dust. I even bought a naughty outfit and all he could say was that’s nice- i like it. What about using it? What planet am I on?
-xoxo Super-frustrated Sasha from earth