I’ve been thinking about how I don’t doubt myself in any other areas beyond deeply personal and health/appearance. I’m very confident about my work, my goals, my life path…but not about the personal life. I’m certainly not a mess in my personal life since I run my own company I don’t have time to be a mess…but I would like to understand my personal life a bit better. I don’t need to control it.
Something RA and pancreatitis have really taught me: I have no control over life in any way whatsoever beyond creating a continuous stream of positive thoughts and actions and making a healing community for myself. I had a pancreatic attack this evening (I purposefully dont write that much about the effects of pancreatitis on me because I wanted this site to be about RA rather than these two odd and somewhat random issues). It really took me down and I had to cancel all my evening’s plans. I’m fine with that and very used to it – but with these autoimmune diseases I always have to remember that I’m not totally in charge. I don’t believe in letting the disease be in charge, but I do wish I had a better balance in my life.
I’ve been contemplating meditation again, but I can’t seem to figure out how thinking about “nothing” will be beneficial when I could create a great zen by finishing the next item on my to do list. Plus I hate people calling others gurus and white people wearing the yoga headdress, talking in quiet voices about peace and love – but then in the parking lot racing out like a madman. I’m partially kidding. I once was deeply into kundalini yoga and meditation. It was great in some ways and ultra-pretentious in others. At the end of the day I loathe the theory that we have a chakra out of balance which has caused our disease. That’s the biggest load of crap when it comes to RA and Pancreatitis (and many others I am sure). What about genetics, environmental, etc. It’s as insane as saying that a car hit you because you hadn’t opened your 3rd chakra and therefore when your airbags blew open too quickly due to a manufacturers defect and then broke your jaw – that it was due to anger you hadn’t let go of when you were 6 months old.
Go In Peace,