First, let me get this basic life update out of the way: STEPPING BACKWARDS… I made a HUGE mistake and took the new doctor’s advice. He asked me to call him once I’ve taken the last dose of Enbrel so that he can change my “trial” on it over to a full prescription. So idiotic. Of course, I not only was forced to make the appt. a week out But I’ll also have to wait for it to go through my insurance company and get ordered at the pharmacy. I had already started to feel the effects of RA hitting me without Enbrel and so I accidentally slept through my appointment. A half a week later… and only a smidge of enbrel left in my body – i’ve been miserable. It’s like knowing how good life can be and then getting smacked back into reality. Now, the meds still will need to be ordered via my health insurance… so another week to go… I’m heading out to the doctor today but I already feel so ridiculously idiotic that I almost hate to show my face. As soon as the Enbrel started to wear off i became depressed again and now I feel a bit back to my hopeless phase. I have zero energy – I’m so pissed because I had been writing to people saying that my energy had returned completely. So frustrating!!!
Now for the Blog Title Bit: Oh- and last report here is about Prednisone – so I wrote that I seemed to be going back to my real shape. This is all very true (last prednisone was January 1st, 2008). I got on a scale and have only lost 2 pounds BUT the great news is that my body is putting things back to where they belong. Very good news for me. Clients are no longer staring at my boobs. I’m so grateful because I had a few clients that were starting to treat me a lot differently since the weight gain. It was not only in my mind, but others mentioned that they noticed that I was being perceived differently also. I think it’s natural to treat a super skinny person different than a heavier one. I dont think it is right or good or acceptable – I’m just saying that I understand how it happens. Particularly after being on both sides of the weight issue. Now, remember that I run my own company and go to lots of different companies and bring on work for my company. My body and attire are the entire presentation of my company’s work. if they like me – I get the job. That’s how interviews normally go, but I have to do this a few times a month or more.
When I was super thin as a result of not being able to eat in my early stages of chronic pancreatitis, I was treated likeI was too frail to do a job and I had a hard time getting clients to take me seriously. “Are you sure you can handle this” was a normal comment. Then when i became normal sized those questions slipped away. Clients had ultra-confidence in my work and there was never an issue unless a woman colleague decided she hated me and would give me nasty looks while I got the gigs. I ignore them so life goes on….
But then during and after the prednisone I noticed a sharp difference. It’s not only in my mind or fears – other teammates that work for me have seen the difference in people’s faces when we meet. It is hard to define but it’s almost like the clients check in on me more frequently and are more concerned about the job getting accomplished. Of course I am going to do a great job as always… but the level of their worries seems to be higher. They ask for more hard copy updates. They are more watchful of the time I’m at lunch. They even ask when I’m going to lunch and for how long. This has NEVER happened in my working affairs.
ALSO: With the prednisone weight gain, I have had a few more run-ins with lower employees on the work chain. In other words – in the past let’s say I need a document emailed to me from the client’s office. I would go through the assistant, right. So – I’ve always had the assistants go out of their way to make things go smoothly and they’re always apologetic when anything has been not sent correctly to me. They see me as above their work-level – which is true as i run a company and am not an assistant. They deal with my assistant for the most part. OKAY – so with the weight gain I’ve had a few extreme issues with the asst being snotty to me and talking to me as if our work is on equal footing with the items on their to do list. It’s as if the asst. is treating me like I am working for them. THIS IS EVEN WHEN IT’s THE SAME PERSON I dealt with before the weight gain. And now that I’m returning to a more normal for me size – there are more apologies again and very few cases of insolence. My own asst has noticed this difference, as well. Very odd.
Well, I better run to the doc’s office – more later. SASHA/big or small I’m still Sasha.