Death, Love, and Living

23 03 2008

ON NEEDING A LOVER NOT A CARETAKER: I’m very happy that Jax has gone out to the movies. Normally he would’ve stayed in with me and I would’ve felt so bad that I had limited his life. He’s working hard on breaking the cycle of being a caretaker-type. He’s off and running and it really seems to be making our intimacy grow. I’m grateful that we are moving into a different chapter. The last thing I would do right now is think about bringing in a baby! That would be a nightmare right now…but time is not on my side on this front and I’m so depressed about it even though I know it’s a waste of time to be so.  (perhaps with my enbrel being out of my body for so long it makes sense that this is my frame of mind).  But when you’re sleeping for so long there is so much time to think about useless matters such as past lovers and past tears spent on them.   I can’t imagine this life without my lover.  I can’t imagine life without being touched in those certain ways that make your whole body tingle and shiver.

Jax reminded me that most men would’ve left me by now – and he’s right even though it was an odd and rather rude thing to say.  Since I’ve been sleeping for about 50 or so hours I’ve had a lot of time to think about the statement and my life.  I’ve had a number of boyfriends leave me because I worked too much, ran my own company and therefore had a lot of responsibilities, or they simply felt I did not need them enough.  In many ways i feel like i’m Maryann in Sense and Sensibility.  She has all these high notions of love but comes to see that a more steady love is far more preferable.  There is deep passion in a steady love; I believe even deeper than the fleeting hot n’ fire loves.
I once had a girlfriend for several months and it is just not the same thing.  I’m sure she would be tender and not afraid to be my lover during this time – but the major difference is that she could make love to me without fear of injuring me worse.

Once, I was seeing a frenchman for a week or so..I had him over for the first time.  We were racing around my old flat naked and having a great laugh.  We had never had sex – but we found ourselves without clothes and pretending to be rulers of my mighty kingdom.  (Read on for my view on death, love, and living) After we were out of breath he fell onto my bed.  He sighed deeply and looked around my room.  He glanced from painting to painting and his seriousness grew deeper and deeper.

Finally, he looked at me and said, ” I have to go.  I can never see you again.  You make me feel as if i haven’t done anything with my life.  I must go get stuff done.  I have to work out and do some things for my career. This won’t work out.  I cant be with someone that makes me feel as if I’ve done nothing.” and that was that.

The Frenchman probably said what others had thought before they left.  I bounced back and kept on my path unphased by their fears.  I can truthfully say that I myself have felt that way of my own body of work.  I am constantly trying to keep up with my own accomplishments and trying to do them up better the next month.

I’m positive that Jax meant his words only to feel good about his decisions and forgot that i was there to hear his thoughts.  He’s never said any words to hurt my feelings.  This coming week we’ll go to couples therapy to work on our grand issue of sex.  we’ve been deeply intimate since my pump operation – but i know he’s deeply afraid of hurting me and it has stopped him from being that man that can toss me against the door and make me sweat to the core of our combined heat.

I would much rather have Jax as my lover than my caretaker.  I’m sure that in some ways I’ve needed him as my caretaker and it has elongated the process.  NOW I am taking charge of that decision and asking, begging for him to be my lover instead of this nurse-type relationship that has persisted for a year and a month.  I can certainly see how some people in my situation may choose to keep their caretaker due to their own fears about their life and also about their definite changes in their bodies.  It’s hard to feel sexy when you can hardly move.

I need to have Jax as my be the man that makes my body tremble, shiver, tingle.  I am willing to give up those many times that he has stayed with me through my pain just to be there with me – if it means i get my lover back.  I’ve had to step up to the plate and remember to get my own medicine and take care of the many things in my life I would rather have a caretaker tend to.  But life is too precious to have my lover tend to these minor details.  When Jax can feel me inside of him again those details will fade and we will once again have a new chapter in our lives.

With each step into deeper intimacy we have taken since starting couples therapy, I have seen his efforts to regain his own life become stronger.  It’s very important to me that he has a support system outside of our four walls to rely upon.  Let’s face it – I have chronic pancreatitis combined with RA and my immune system is a shell of what it ought to be.  Each time I have a pancreatic attack I know that my own end is one step closer.  I am not afraid of death at all.  I am afraid of “WHEN WILL DEATH COME?” .  It is the big question in my life.

Each day I am reminded that my life may not be very long from here.  When i sleep for 50 hours I know that I just forced the grim reaper to move along to another house.  I live fully each day because I find it a far better solution than living partially to suit my diseases… just to live a few years longer.  Friends often remind me that I’m doing too much – but I’d rather be dead than not live fully.  Yes, of course I’ve had to scale back…but I can not stop all  together.  I can’t even stop half way.

I suppose thoughts of death frighten most people – but you have to understand that I am not wanting to be dead in any way.  Not being afraid of it does not mean that I welcome it.   On the contrary.  It simply means that I know it is inevitable for everyone.  And I’d like to make decisions now that I will be proud of when my time has come.

These are the things that most people are afraid to mention… but when you can hardly get up one stair alone it does cross your mind far more frequently.  When a pancreatic attack has you bound to the bed and sweating in pain – it occurs to our human minds far too often.

love Sasha xoxoxo




2 responses

14 04 2008

My mom has severe RA, as do I. We both struggle with the caretaker issue. She feels she is treated like a child by her husband (my stepdad) and resents it, but needs him at the same time. I get mad that I have to ask for help, but if I don’t ask for help I get mad at the RA and the pain – my husband feels helpless because I’m mad either way.

24 03 2008

That was very deep my friend 🙂 It is hard to find that zone with your mate between caretaker and lover. I admire your outlook on life with this disease. I too just came out of a sleeping jag and I find when I do I am very depressed, and you turned it into a positive thing~ beating the reaper.
I wish you well

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