I’ve promised myself never to delete a blog post. I want to delete what I wrote a few hours ago because it was so scattered and all over the place and in the heat of my frustration… now that several hours of calming down have passed I feel like I can articulate my frustration much better. This blog site is meant to be read and written as a personal journal. If I start deleting posts because i think it was completely absurd then it no longer stands as a journal. It becomes a much more edited and therefore less honest look at myself and my life.
The reality is that I am not as unhappy with my life as Jax is… he is wholesale rejecting it and said “I hate our life right now” which is awful to hear when you didnt realize that it was that bad. Hell… I was gone for almost a month and he did nothing towards maing himself happy while I was away! Why cant he do the things he wants to and be honest about them so that he isn’t miserable and blaming me for it? (Now I am just lashing out and upset) but it does seem odd to me that he doesn’t take care of his own needs but i suppose a lot of things happened when he fell into being a caretaker for me.
Finally, Jax & I might not survive through all of this latest hub-bub and agony. He needs to spread his wings after dealing for so long with my f…ing diseases. I need … well, whatever it is that I need I can assure you that I am not currently getting it. There’s no way to be this miserable mentally and be okay with everything. I know there’s no ideal guy that could deal with me even without all of these diseases…but to add the chronic disease list to my list of traits/skills I just dont know how Jax or anyone will stay with me. It’s like my biggest fears coming true. Before it was these diseases it was that the guy had to play second fiddle next to my work and in reality that hasn’t totally changed, but that is because I LOVE what I do. I LOVE my work. It is not just “Work” it is helpful to others and is part of my work to change the world in my own small way. But that is not important when you are in the day to day of a relationship.
The real issue is that Jax has just suddenly spoken up about his needs aftr years of saying that everything was fine. What I mean is that he would say he would do certain things and say he was fine with them when in reality he is NOT at all and they are things he doesn’t want to do at all. Plus, if you’ve been reading this blog for awhile you might have put it together that we also have had serious issues in the bedroom since my pump surgery last February and he’s said I am too fragile and he’s said that I am always sick (which is totally untrue and totally unfair). it’s as if the sweet Jax that I have always known has jjust unzipped the real Jax and he is PISSED – like a dragonzilla movie. But in all seriousness, do i RUN (leave) and Do I just give up on all hopes of trying to have a family and a career in this lifetime with Jax or anyone? (I say “anyone” because it seems unlikely to me that if Jax can’t deal with all of this then no one I’ve ever met could).
As I discovered in the past 2 days of couples therapy: There are so many layers of “not working” right now. I am so upset but also very calm right now given the circumstances. I just wish I knew whether to leave someone I deeply love or try to stick it out even thought there are many things about me that don’t “work” for Jax for years although he was only just now able to tell me.
dark days -sasha xoxo