Preface: I know this isn’t a DRAMATIC story – but the reality is that it is all these little small things that make up a relationship. These little elements are the actual core of the couple’s well-being. I know this first story seems insignificant, and compared to all the nutty health and work drama in my life – it is…but it’s through the day to day that shows us what’s really going on [lack of intimacy for one]. It’s memorial day weekend and Jax is off with the guys today. I’m happy he’s out having a good time, but admit I had thought we would have Memorial Day Weekend to ourselves. On Friday after work, Jax came home and told me he was gonna hang out with his pals on Monday. I know it’s good for him to hang out with his friends and I don’t want to be a smothering girlfriend so I wouldn’t dare complain about it… but I had actually planned a little side trip to a small cheesy hotel in a different part of our state and I thought it would be a blast to get away.
Sidenote: I’m starting to feel so much better since I’ve been taking Synthroid for my newly diagnosed hypothyroid. Also, amazingly I’ve LOST 4 pounds in 4 days [Originally 135/After steroids 176/Now @ 172]. This is incredible because I haven’t been able to lose more than 1 pounds since getting off Prednisone. My theory is that the prednisone “shut off” my thyroid. It is known for causing hypothyroid in some cases. Prednisone is SOOO evil. Why don’t the doctors really explain how horrible it is before the start you on it? Or I wonder if it’s the Cymbalta? I’m not sure if Cymbalta can affect your thyroid gland/hormones. But I’m so excited that my exercise plan might start making an impact.
Anyhow, back to the bedroom issue…When I mentioned the little trip to Jax I still had the left overs of the flu and had just gotten on antibiotics – (Enbrel makes your immune system non-existent and so you’re more open to getting the flu or colds in general). But I knew I’d feel fine on Saturday. So I’m terribly bummed out that we did nothing of any note this weekend. Also, Jax stayed up until 9am (never went to sleep) on Saturday night so our possible one day together was totally shot. He was on the couch all day sleeping. At some point I grew tired of being angry about it and just gave in…I went to sleep on the couch with him.
I suppose it is the relationship blues. I can see that Jax and I are not getting what we each need from our relationship but I have no idea how to change this. I just wish I could turn a switch and alter how Jax deals with us in the “bedroom”. This whole caregiver bullshit has screwed up our intimacy so dramatically – and I am so sick of the state of things! I just have no idea how to fix it. Ahhh, another week of spending money on the therapist to try to solve this problem.
After 6 months of therapy you’d think we’d have broken through the “bedroom” barrier by now!!!! But I suppose it’s not that simple. Although I am highly uncomfortable talking about my lack of sex on the internet, I also know that there are other people/couples just like us that are going through the same issue/problem due to a chronic disease. It certainly doesn’t comfort me, but at least I know that it’s important to write about what is REALLY going on. The reality is that Jax and I have not had complete sex since just before my pump surgery last February 2007. That’s ridiculous. And it’s not the “normal situation” of me not wanting to…quite the opposite. I want that intimacy more than anything! I feel like we’d just be roomies if we weren’t so huggy & kissy types. It’s Jax that never tries to take things to another level. I’ve written about it a lot and I’m sure I’ve bitched and moaned similar to this post… But I still don’t understand why he’s so afraid of hurting me and says I’m fragile. I mean, of course I understand WHY he says it…but I just wish he could get over that hurdle. Also, my medical issues remind him of his mom and the therapist tried to explain something about how Jax sees me as a “mom” issue and therefore can’t have sex with me. What??? I don’t understand. all I know is I really want to have a shag (or something close to it) and not worry about all this psychological crap.
Now back to the health insurance paperwork.
love, Sasha xoxoxo