Russian Roulette

12 07 2008

I’m feeling gushy tonight: It’s gewshy not gushy actually. But maybe they’ll end up being the same thing. Jax and I just got back from a nice dinner out. Eating out is exactly like Russian Roulette due to my pancreatitis. If they lied about “no butter” then I’ll end up dead.

I figured out why my girlfriend’s boyfriend upset me so much. BTW – since he went to clown school I call him “clown boy”. It’s a funny ongoing joke in my family “oh, did you see clown boy?” Or my dad will ask if I saw “clone boy” (get it – the play on words?). I’m sure that clown boy is nice – but he always says the wrong thing to me. So I moaned about his comment “you won’t die from this, you’ll die from something else”, said as I was pacing in pain waiting for the meds to work and having a horrific pancreatic attack. I was trying not to end up in the hospital when I said it.

Mind you I was also limping from RA and truly wishing I was allowed to kill myself. Well- it made me furious because by saying “you won’t die from this…” made it clear he thought I was being overdramatic. It negated my whole horrific experience. Would you like to trade places clown boy? He doesn’t know the half of living with RA or CP.

I mean, and I will be graphic here, I can’t even masturbate anymore since my RA is so bad. Sure I could use a vibrator but it just isn’t the same!!!!

I guess I’m not feeling as gushy as I thought I was. The pain and boredom of limping has gotten to me. Pain so easily replaced by anger.

But Jax and I have had a lovely night out and he’s taking a little cute snooze while I type this on my phone. Jax should be in the caregivers hall of fame. “Dealt with lunatic girlfriend-5 gold medals sir!”.

Love sasha xoxo

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12 07 2008
» Russian Roulette

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