The small, colorful japanese lanterns light up our little makeshift alley backyard. The more smoothies I drink the less pain I feel. I wish I could force myself to stick to an all-liquid diet like I had a few years ago. The Drs were convinced I needed a TPN or JTube to be fed. It wouldve required me to be attached to an IV tower 24 hrs a day. I would lose my business for sure. I compromised with many months of an all liquid diet and my weight plummeted to 112. CP (chronic pancreatitis) is a bitch. It’s my number 1 demon with RA in close seconds.
Jax didn’t sign up for this. Where’s the boot girl he met in NYC across from ground zero six months after hell broke lose? Where’s the girl that pushed him against the wrought iron gate forcing herself upon his mouth? Is she hibernating? Is she gone for good – too many surgeries later to feel like the same human?
The lengths I go to remain myself are part of my destruction. I can’t work 16 hour days anymore. I can’t exercise for 2 hours a day. I can’t even get on my surfboard yet.
I can be myself in smaller doses before I wear myself out. I always seem to have to pay for it later nowadays.
I don’t want pity or to be treated as fragile, although I know that I am. If I was a vampire would I still have RA? If I was a werewolf would I still have pancreatitis? When will I know that this emergency room visit is my last? When will Jax give up? When will I give up on myself? I’m certain that I’m meant to be here. I’ve seen it flash before my eyes too many times to ignore it. I’m also certain we each have a soul learning from this great pain. At least I’m not numb; I know I’m alive.
-love Sasha, xoxo