I’ve gotten over my mini-hurdle of being depressed (again) and have been getting through stacks of work like there’s no tomorrow. I have to be careful to “measure” myself otherwise i will suffer the consequences the next day. Like Sunday, I mopped and cleaned the entire house top to bottom – and monday I was a train-wreck!
I’m getting ready to leave home for a month for a HUGE project. I have butterflies and knots in my stomach just thinking about all of the details. Luckily, I’ve started to receive donations for my work and that will prevent me from ending up back in the hospital like I did last year when the stress of no money all crashed down on me and took an enormous toll on me. I got pneumonia, RA, and a slew of other issues as a result of the sudden shocking stress.
READ ON TO HEAR ME KVETCH ABOUT ONE OF THE RECENT COMMENTS….. A lot of very well-meaning friends tell me to get better real soon and I have to laugh to myself. I know what they mean, of course, but I sometimes want to shout “Don’t you get it!!! I’m not going to get rid of these diseases. These demons found me and they’ll never let me go!!” But instead I take their meaning for what it’s worth and smile and make a little prayer to myself to do just that – to get better. I imagine some of the evil RA cells getting shot down and replaced by little flowers that can grow and take up far more room than the bad cells.
But then there’s the pancreatitis. I’m not sure what brought it on. 6 years ago I suddenly had it. I thought maybe I ate bad cheese will botchalism since another woman at the same event as me came down with identical symptoms. Now, I just don’t know anything. Many of you have asked what it feels like. Essentially, after i eat almost anything I get the worst, most intense stabbing feeling just below my ribs at my solar plexus. The pain sears through my back from my front. The pain radiates down my ribs and seems to bounce around. At the beginning I threw up all of the time. My pump helps a lot. It takes the pain level from a constant 10 down to a 3 without food and a 7-8 with food, which lasts a few hours. I’ve had surgeries and more doctors than you can imagine (well, yes, you probably can).
BUT I REFUSE to let this get me. I refuse to let it win my life over. I refuse to let it make me an angry bitter person. I strive for so much more in my life and I intend on making my life exactly what I have always dreamed. I’m already half way there. I haven’t let the disease make me idle or stagnant. I haven’t let it win my spirit or my soul. and I refuse to let it.
One of my readers suggested that I sit around with my thumbs up my bum while they suffer through the pain because they have a “mortgage to pay”. GET REAL!! This person obviously goes for the jugular. They said they don’t sit around with the pain of RA. Who does? None of my readers, that’s for sure!! I certainly think that almost all of my readers have to make money, take care of their kids, and make ends meet. This person is just as bad as the nuts out there who’ve never felt real pain, who’ve never had to overcome it… or worse yet – they feel they are above everyone because their pain is worse than anyone else’s.
After doing this blog for over a year I totally understand that my pain is shared by many. That includes the pain of my disease, the pain of my work, pain of doctor’s offices and health insurance, and the pain of my relationships (even though I’ve said many times I am truly lucky to even have a relationship).
That is why so many readers come to this blog….because I am not trying to claim that my pain is any worse than theirs. We are here to learn how to deal with the outside world that does not have pain or a life-long sentence with a disease that makes no sense.
So please, if you are going to be pissy and behave like you are the only one in pain – and the only one that has to work through the pain – go harass someone else your own size for once. Or better yet, get a taste of your own medicine and go talk to someone newly diagnosed that is in the “angry” phase. You’ll get one bite of their venom and you’ll wish you didn’t moan and groan about paying your mortgage to me… the one person who thinks you are full of SHIT.
Thanks for reading, SASHA. xoxox