Need Sleep

10 08 2008

I have one more week to go of the biggest project of my life. I am freaking out though because it’s costing me an arm and a leg so I am a bit stressed, depressed, and wigging out. The biggest issue is that my credit cards are all at their limit and that is not a good place to be. It’s essential for me to spend my own money on this project until I will get reimbursed in about 8 months. That’s a long time to wait for things to return to normal.

The part that is BAD is that I need to order Enbrel since I ran out on Tuesday, but it costs $75/per month. This is a freaky time for me. I know I’m doing the right thing with this project helping at-risk girls, but I know the stress makes chronic diseases worse. I can certainly feel pain starting to creep into everything I do. If you’re able to help out – please do on the donate page. Ultimately, it’s going to a great cause for at-risk teen girls.

Now that I’ve been out of town for a few weeks I can honestly say how badly I want to be home. I need a rest. I’ve had to take more medicine all around due to the stress. I hate how cymbalta makes my head spin if I forget to take it for a day. The hardest part of RA and pancreatitis is that people can’t see these diseases and so they really don’t seem to give a crap. I wonder if that’s because they simply have no idea how horrible it is.

Also, why is the name “Rheumatoid Arthritis” so lame? It makes it sound like some old lady with sore joints. That isn’t even the start of it. Ever since I’ve been taking Enbrel I’ve begun feeling so much better. Last week I felt like my RA is going into remission… but now that I have gotten off my schedule for taking it I can feel it creeping back into my hands, foot bones, legs, etc. I try to stay strong and determined but it’s tough!
With my chronic pancreatitis I feel the opposite. I don’t know what I’ll die from or when I’ll die – but I do always feel as though it’s highly possible that it might take me down. It’s just not fair to my Jax to have to be with a girl like me – so many issues. Honestly, I don’t know why or how he puts up with me. Well, I’m sure glad he does!! but I miss him so much right now. It’s already been weeks. Every time i start an argument with Jax I bring up this subject. It drives him nuts. I suppose i understand why it makes him crazy, but I truly am mystified by it.

I remember a few years ago when things were all at their worst.  That’s when the Dr.’s wanted to give me a feeding tube  because my pancreatitis was so terrible.  Thank god i started seeing a pain management specialist right then.  Also, the therapist at the time told the doctor that I would probably kill myself if I had gotten a feeding tube.  I mean, in that situation your relationship has no hope of being remotely normal.

I’d think Jax would get so sick of this cycle I seem to be in – THAT is I work so hard out of town for a month or so THEN I need to be in bed for five or six months. That’s insane. But I hope I have changed enough things in my life this time that he won’t freak on me and try to break up. I would be devastated. I’m so exhausted I keep deleting my own text so better go to oeeewoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee e (fell alseep).

love Sasha xoxox

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2 responses

11 08 2008
linda

Sasha, i’m not sure how you do all you do with pancreatitis and RA. I only have RA and some days it feels like i’m a 3,000 pound brick just trying to move around and do things. I know what you mean by the name “Rheumatoid Arthritis;” the few people I’ve chosen to tell about it either give me confused looks like “you’re young and healthy-looking, what do you mean you have arthritis?” Do you do a combo of methotrexate and enbrel, or just enbrel for the RA? Hope your project goes smoothly and get some rest!
-Linda

11 08 2008
Michelle

Hey Sasha,
I stopped by to tell you about the Arte Y Pico award I’m givin to ya, it’s waiting for you at my site 🙂 Then I read your post. I’m really impressed girl. I know how exhausting it is to just go to the store sometimes and you are working your butt off for a great cause. Kudos to you hun. I agree with the name of the disease ‘Rheumatoid Arthritis’, it does make people think of old folks and joints only. Not all the dangers and pains that come with it. I wish you well, hope you wrap it up soon and get home to Jax with a successful project completed.
Hugs,
Michelle

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