P.S. If you have already read the recent post “getting Help for R.A. you might find the new comments for our reader very Heidi interesting.
Pain is Like a box of Chocolates….
Some people have more than one autoimmune disease. I do. I have R.A. and chronic pancreatitis. When one is bad, so is the other. They are like twins feeding off of each other. Sometimes I feel like I’m being crushed under the weight of it all. Today was one of those days. No matter how much medicine I took and regardless of the morphine in my pump I couldn’t move past the pain. I know my bills can’t wait for me to feel better. I know I must move forward. But today I couldn’t move from under the sheer weight of it.
Drifting back to the memories in the hospital of first being diagnosed with idiopathic pancreatitis I was perplexed. How did this disease find me? Then much later when RA sprung up like a much faster demon I stopped myself from crying. Both diseases equaled pain. Pancreatitis grabs my ribs and ripples pain through them. I’m afraid to breathe deeply.
I know there might be days where the pain makes me so depressed that I don’t understand the point of being alive. But then I remember that is the pain talking, not me. I love being alive and doing myself in over pain is the most selfish thing that I could do. I’ve seen enough in life to know that it’s better to stay on earth in pain than to be gone. My folks had a friend with a lovely family of 3 kids. He had severe back pain and after several failed surgeries he killed himself. I always think of his story when I feel the pain is too much. He didn’t know himself anymore and didn’t want his kids to remember his pain and complaining – but instead that is what they remember the most about their father. And I couldn’t bear that memory about myself.
The pain slices through my back and wraps around to my ribs in a second wave of pain. It’s like a vice grip on my ribs. The pain deferred from one spot to another. Perhaps one organ simply cant take that amount of pain. I know that if I ask for it to release me that it would kill me first.
Jax made tacos for us tonight..Taco Tuesday as we like to call it. And he suddenly crashed asleep on the couch – leaving me to my own mind and myself the rest of the evening. As pain swirled around my head and my universe i could remember moments where the pain fell to 4th place or even 5th and so I know this time it will too. I just have to remember that every moment is not permanent. Jax and I haven’t had time to get back in sync fully yet since i’ve gotten home because real life marches on with work and to do lists. But I know that this weekend we will be sweet on each other and go get ice cream by a bicycle store while we dream up the bikes we are saving up for right now. i just want an old school Schwinn.
I just have to remember to keep dreaming and thinking of the next part of our life together and separate while we have smiles, great goals, things beyond our wildest dreams, and more of this pain under control!
For me, Each day here is borrowed – a gift. So I can’t complain about the pain that can take up days of my life. What will I remember about the pain when I’m in heaven?