In the Bedroom-Illness and Sex
Beyond worrying about anyone who must stay near Gustav and anyone who has had to spend loads of money relaxing far away rather than relaxing at home I admit my indulgence in a guilt free weekend of luxuriating. no foamy baths or anything but just our comfy couch at home (they usually make my RA joints more sore afterward for some very odd reason). Jax seems to have needed pure chill out time with his war movies and tv set. Why do all the men in my life like wwII movies? I realized I haven’t written in awhile about how illness/pain/disease affects my sex life. Since I’ve spoken so publicly and openly about it before I figured I shouldn’t stop now… it’s these things that most people are afraid to talk about with a chronic illness, including doctors, other couples, and ourselves (Jax and I).
The other day Jax had a piece of very good news. He won a type of court case and he feels free. He seems more free than i’ve ever seen him feel before. he went out on friday night to go dancing (which he’s never done since we’ve been together). We went out to a fancy meal last night to celebrate – morrocan food and bellydancing! I even got a bellydancing lesson and couldn’t believe my body actually moved a little bit. i must’ve looked hysterical “trying” to dance through RA, foot cramps and boots that still don’t fit well since my body got so swollen on prednisone. Luckily the black boots finally fit – they are the ones I wore 5 years ago when Jax first saw me so they have an important meaning in my life. After prednisone I’ve been trying all year to get back to that size again. It was only 1 year ago I was 135lbs. As i mentioned before i am afraid to weigh myself – but getting back into my boots is a good sign.
When Jax was heading out the door to go dancing he said “i’m going to f#ck my girlfriend when I get home!!” I was so happy and couldn’t wait. You can read past posts about our couples therapy, my longing, and my longtime desire to break this issue. I fought off sleep and busied myself with reading. (i just finished reading 5 books in 3 weeks!). But when he got home it was immediately obvious that he had lost his intention. I fell into that awful depression I have saved specifically for this subject. Since I got my pump in Feb 2007 he has been too afraid to make love to me. We’ve been intimate and had our sexy moments…but not nearly enough nakedness for me. I wouldn’t mind being naked all the time and spending all day in bed with sex sweat rolling down our backs for 24 hours without a shower.
He’s always afraid he’ll hurt me and because (Read on for the truth in the bedroom – Illness and Sex–>)of my pain he can always say that i’m not in a good enough place for him to feel comfortable with it. I’ve tried many different tactics: some direct, some not-so-direct, some romantic, some downright dirty… but he is in his own world I guess. I’m not worried about him being with someone else – I’ve gone that fear path and found he is being true… when i recently got to the point of being upset and with hurt feelings over feeling rejected again I do get the sense that our bad luck in this area may have had a lot to do with this court case… and him not feeling free. It may any sense to anyone who doesn’t know Jax, but I can see how the court case made him stop his life just the way my severe illness had done before I got my pump and RA diagnosis.
Essentially we are together but apart. He was shocked that I was upset because he felt as if he’s been much more intimate since I returned home. That’s when i feel like shit for even saying anything about it. I would never want our kisses and touching to go away. It’s simply that I know it would be so easy to break through this wall if he’d just let himself not worry about breaking me. He seems to be “over” most of his old care-taking behaviors which has been soooo much better for our relationship… but I want my lover back. We made a great team under the sheets, in the park, and everywhere. It makes me wonder how long I should wait for things to turn around. It’s been a year and a half. He didn’t leave me when my chips were all the way down – so I wouldn’t leave Jax over this issue… but it’s so painful because it feels exactly like rejection from the person you most want to desire you.
Maybe the illness and pain have caused Jax to not be able to see me. Or maybe he can see me and he hates it…the pain hitting all of my joints and making me constantly more tired than I ever used to be. Is this midlife crisis? Would everything be better if I was with someone who didn’t care so much about my health but had sex with me al the time – of course not – which is why I wouldn’t leave Jax over this issue.
I feel like crying but am too tired to do so. Once a reader suggested I just attack him when he came in the door – believe me I tried – i’ve tried dancing shows and kissing contests… but I don’t seem to have that magic with Jax anymore.
Brokenhearted – Sasha…. xoxoxo