The word sexathon is so dirty, naughty, and hysterical! I’m feeling much better after the alarm bells all went off when Jax wanted to breakup because of being tired of dealing with my illnesses. I am still living in fear that he’ll leave if I feel bad for more than a few moments…but I don’t have a choice – I am forced to live with my diseases whether I want them or not. If Jax ends up leaving because of my diseases then I can’t stop him or blame him. It is a reality that I am faced with that no matter who I am with there will be some care-taking involved. He said “I don’t know how to switch back to being your lover after being your caregiver for so long”.
I’m sure he’s not alone, but it’s hard to find anything about this on the web because people are so afraid to admit that they haven’t had sex for over a year due to illness/disease/pain/depression, etc. Some days are good and others are simply horrific. Many of you that have read my blog before might know that Jax and I have sexual/intimacy issues due to my diseases. Ever since my pump got “installed” with surgery last February07 we’ve gone to therapy, tried all kinds of things, but ultimately had not connected in the direct sense of the word sex.
I don’t understand the concept of lover vs. caregiver as it stands now. Meaning that I am no longer in that emergency state. I’m at that place where I am stable and just seeking for my life to share that stability. Jax always reminds me that most guys would’ve been long gone by now. My diseases seem to drive those I live the most away. Or people simply can’t believe the pain can be so severe on and on and on. Who knows?
If Jax left me wouldn’t this pattern repeat itself over and over in my life unless I drastically changed things?
I’ve finally taken matters completely into my own hands (no matter what I write, the words are all sexual innuendos at this point). I’ve decided that I need to be willing to change. I think it’s been really easy for me to blame Jax for no action, but then I realized I haven’t been the first to initiate things in twice as long. I used to try to initiate, but would get the subtle rejection so I stopped trying. I realized that this was ages ago so it couldn’t hurt more than it already does to be the initiator.
I put my pride aside and bing bang boom… things are starting to work out again. We’re totally out of practice, but at least we’re still able to have a good time. We giggled and laughed and made fun of our selves for being out of shape.. and I tried to think around my RA (try doing repetitive hand motions when you have severe RA!!). I mean, I cant even masturbate as I mentioned before because my RA is so bad. I now have to use “equipment” which I loathe. I was an all natural girl!
Jax and I have been in this new phase we’re calling “CHANGE”. We made a promise to each other to change at least 1 thing per day. This can be doing something differently than before, doing something new, or simply switching who leads something we’ve done a lot but never been the leader of doing. We’re going to join the YMCA so we can start working out (so I can lose those last 30 pounds that are lingering since that damn prednisone. We’re going to go to bed earlier, and I’m going to eat only a liquid diet for lunch for a bit.
I’m so grateful Jax did not leave me. (<–Read the background on this). I would’ve always tied it together with my weight being higher now than ever before (from the prednisone). What would I do if my RA magically went away with my pancreatitis? A rhetorical question to be sure!