Crying My Eyes Out

22 09 2008

Have you ever cried so hard that snot came out of every pore? I’m truly devastated right now. I’m beyond devastated – I’m … (No adjective comes to mind)…

Jax, that was my Jax, broke us up today. Do you even have to ask what the reason is? Well, it’s very simple. My medical issues over time ate away at him and he finally couldn’t take it. He said it had destroyed his ability to think of me sexually. He said he’s too afraid of the idea of having kids together (we had planned it for next fall and he had been all gung ho about it before my diseases took their toll on us.

My diseases (CP and RA) tear me and my life apart in so many ways.

I would love to bitch about what a jerk Jax is, but truth is that even my therapist said most men wouldve left me ages ago because my health issues are too taxing. Jax just couldn’t take it anymore. And when I begged to know why he simply told me all reasons that are caused by my diseases including the fact that I get so down. He knows my diseases will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Jax’s been there for a large portion of the worst of it. He was with me through thick and thin of it.

He’s not even leaving me for someone else … No… It’s just my diseases and all things that go along with it that he can’t take anymore. I’m truly beside myself – heartbroken and so sad. I’ve always thought I had a pretty good attitude about everything regardless of my health issues. I love my work and am successful in my field. I couldn’t have done anything different to stop this. No amount of talking would convince him to stay together. Sadly, I didn’t even know there was an issue until 2 weeks ago.

I feel so outrageously un-loveable right now, I feel like I’m going to burst with anguish. He’s planning to move out tomorrow to the apartment next door. I’m so upset I thought about moving to a town where I have loads of old friends.

How am I going to go to sleep? I have a doctor’s appt tomorrow and must go even though I want to cancel it along with everything else.

Everyone loves Jax in my worklife and personal life. He’s a likeable guy and had been wonderful until literally 2 weeks ago. It was when he had won that major case.

I could go on and on but can’t stew in this for so long right now. Suffice it to say that it came completely out of the blue.

Jax used to always tell all my friends that “she’s the girl for me”and sweet gooey stuff like that. I thought it was true. I believed it was true. Now I just feel stupid.

I don’t see how we could ever get back together. This does seem unfixable.

I’m just so upset.
Love, sasha xoxo sad but xoxo

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2 responses

24 09 2008
raandme

Im very very sorry about all of this. I wish I could do something to help.

22 09 2008
linda

oh, sasha. i’m so sorry. i don’t know what else to say, except that i’m sorry and i wish there was something i could do to help…
-linda

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