Yep, I changed the “look” of my site. I needed a change so i also cut off 3 inches of hair! Breaking up is “fun”!!
Today is Day 4 of being split up with the love of my life, Jax. The only thing making today any easier then Sunday is amazing friends and family who have helped me so much to get through this type of pain. I’ve had some time to try to understand why Jax wants to break up. Essentially it boils down to my two diseases (RA & CP). Jax became hyper-affected and overwhelmed by any medical issues I have to deal with. He said he’s been unable to drop the caregiver role. This has massively affected our sex life because he feels I am too fragile and on Sunday said, “I don’t think of you as a sexual person” which is odd since upon breaking up most of my past boyfriends have said that part of our relationship’s “been amazing”.
Please don’t think of Jax as a jerk – he’s not at all. He’s stuck it out with me through the past four years through thick and thin. Three of those years I was terribly sick until I got my intrathecal pump for chronic pancreatitis last February. I can’t stand the idea of him leaving right now when everything is finally on the up and up. I’ve hit my lowest life points these past few years (having nothing to do with Jax) and they’ve taken their toll on him.
It’s certainly true that my diseases affect my relationship in every way possible. I get tired pretty easily because I’m always fighting fatigue from RA and hypothyroidism. The sex issue leads right into the pregnancy issue. My doctor’s have told me that my only window of opportunity to safely get preggers is next fall (’09). This has put a lot of stress on Jax and I. This was also a contributing factor in him feeling overwhelmed. The truth is that I don’t want to have a kid yet next fall. Right now, I’m not ready in anyway. But that might very well mean that I have to give up the possibility of having a child all together. I think I’m okay with that. I only went gung-ho to have a kid next fall because I didn’t want to risk not having a kiddo with Jax since I know he wants to have one. Jax even said he was “terrified” of me being pregnant. He said he’d be racked with guilt for eternity if something bad were to happen to me through it. He also said that he’s not ready to have a child.
Jax is unsure and confused about his plans which I’m actually quite grateful for. He hasn’t thought about any of the details of splitting up. This might make it possible to have hope. We share everything including the apartment, car, our company, furniture, jackets, food, and time. We were spending lots of time together. It’s going to be so hard to navigate these next few weeks with a new daily game plan. I’ve cried and cried about it, but in front of Jax I’m staying strong. At least he’s let me talk this break-up over with him so that I can try to understand.
One benefit of all of this is that i’ll be able to focus on this big project I’ve been working on. I just have to remember to keep it balanced with time so that I don’t get sick again. I have a horrible habit of doing too many long work hours and my health always suffers for it. I also have to be careful that the pain of the break-up doesn’t compromise my health. That has also happened in the past.
I’m not exactly sure what to do. Do I try to quickly move on and get over the idea of Jax as soon as possible? OR do I remain hopeful that he’ll realize he can’t live without me? I know I need to give him the space he needs right now. My plan is to not talk about our relationship again unless he brings it up. I sincerely hope he sees that this change is nuts. I hope he asks me to get back together before I change my mind, move on, and close the door on him for good. Who knows what will happen! I’m frightened, excited, sad, shell-shocked and nervous all at once.
Love Sasha xoxo