27 09 2008

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The aftermath of a relationship is usually the time during the first six weeks when everything is getting hashed out between the couple. It’s when everything to come gets decided on or acted upon.

Today is Day 6 of the breakup between Jax and myself. Go ahead and read the past 4 posts if you’re coming upon the breakup right now. It’s 130am on Friday night. I went out with friends to watch the debate and have dinner. I had hoped to see Jax on my return home (since we’ve lived in the same place for 4 years) passed out on the couch asleep after a hard week. Essentially, I had hoped it felt like home. But it’s the exact opposite. Quiet, dark, lifeless. I don’t think Jax has even come home since work. I’m curious if he fell asleep on the couch in his new apartment (our old office) 2 doors down, but am not going to be weepy like that to go look. It’s not my place anymore.

Maybe Jax is out on the town with his guy friends. Maybe they’re picking up chicks…healthy chicks without RA or pancreatitis so they can drink gobs of alcohol together. I’m simply not allowed to find out since it would be against “breakup code rules’. I’m also not allowed to cry about it in case he does come home any minute.

Tomorrow will be the first weekend without him. A day off without Jax will seem so wrong. I see now that Jax did really take a load off of me by making me coffee or breakfast on saturday mornings. He would run my errands to get the mail and do the bank. I never feel well on saturday mornings after working hard all week so I’m not sure how that stuff will get done now.

But Jax was/is so much more than a guy who ran errands for me. He was my everything outside of work. I told him every issue, idea, thought, or random madness. He was my everything. He would do these calming excercises with me if the pain was too much to bear. How do I live without him? He’s not dead – he simply couldn’t deal with these medical issues anymore. It became too much for him. It’s too much for me but it’s impossible for me to run away from them – I’ll have them for life.

I feel so horrible right now bordering on crying and puking.

I look so good right now because I dressed up for the debate screening party. So now I’m also pissed I might end up having to go to bed without seeing him. When I close my eyes I see him, but it’s not the same.

I can’t believe this is happening. I can’t believe that Jax doesn’t want me anymore. I mean, I understand perfectly why someone wouldn’t want me – but I thought Jax was different than all of that bullshit.

I don’t know how to get out of pain about this. My wrists are swollen from typing. RA sucks so bad!!

I’m tempted to fall asleep outside just so I don’t have to go to bed alone. I might sleep on the couch instead for that very reason.

The only reason why I think he might not be asleep next door is because he didn’t get a blanket from here first. We own everything together.

I won’t pressure him to be back together. In fact, I won’t even talk about it at all. I’ll talk about everything but us (plan began on wednesday).

I’m just totally heartbroken and not sure how to move on. Not sure how to feel or live or think. Don’t get me wrong, I am not OCD about Jax, I’m just saying stupid stuff cuz I’m so heartbroken.

I need to find a way to move on.
Love sasha xoxo




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