29 09 2008

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It’s been almost 2 weeks since I’ve taken Enbrel. My hands and feet are swollen. My bone joints hurt. But the pain of RA is nothing compared to that of my Jax recently breaking up with me.

My medical issues are vast and overwhelming on a good day. Jax needs time to sort himself out. He’s been living with extreme fear that I might die any minute because that’s how it was for over 3 years. Since he can’t feel my pain level it’s hard for him to believe that I’m getting better. I know I’m getting better because I can feel it physically. It’s almost impossible to describe the terror he was living under and now the release he’s experiencing. He built the panic and fear up for so long that he can’t just sweep away the debris. He needs to exhale and then have more time to figuratively inhale and exhale enough times on his own that he sees he’s no longer living in fear.

This is the key reason he has had to break up. I truly understand what he’s going thru and why he’s got to be on his own for awhile.

Today, Jax and I had a good/important time together. I told him I hoped that the road he’s on leads back to me. He said he also hopes for this. He said it with tears and so I’m certain he meant it. Of course he can’t say for sure if that will happen. I know my 2 diseases are manageable finally but he needs to step away to see this is the case.

I also told Jax that his love alone helped to heal me and helped me de-stress my life. Therefore the least I could do is offer patience and love back to him. I’ve been repeating a mantra “stay strong/stay calm”. Taking this path has made for a beautiful transition – painful but peaceful.

Even though I understand all of this doesn’t make it any easier or less painful. Or maybe it does. I’ve been able to see Jax and talk this week even with the break-up as a result of my positive attitude. And since I’m not ready or willing to move on yet, that works out well. I know there’s a chance I’ll eventually have to move on. Some people say that’s when they met their ideal mate. But what do you do when you think you already have?

I’m very scared of who will take care of me if I do get really sick. There’s no one that would/could be as close as I’d need if I ended up back in th ER. I’m frightened of being alone the rest of my life because who would want such damaged goods (with RA and CP)?

I deeply hope Jax changes his mind. Not because I want him to be my caretaker but because I love him so much. And when you truly love someone you have to be able to let them go. I’m not sure why, but that’s a really good concept cuz it’s about your own security vs. Insecrity.

I’m wondering if we did get back together then the sexual issues we’d been having might very well be a thing of the past. They stemmed from his thinking I was too fragile. Hopefully time apart will show him that it’s not true anymore. I’ve learned how to become strong through my disease – mentally and physically.

We’ve agreed to eat dinner together on the nights we’re both home (he moved 1 apartment down).

I’m just wondering when we’ll have mad, passionate sex again like before all this disease bullshit destroyed us.

Love Sasha xoxoxo




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