2 10 2008

Welcome to the new design for TypeAwithRA site.


Are you single with RA or CP (chronic pancreatitis)? Have you ever been single with your disease raging and out of control? I can’t imagine living in the wild wild west and I’d certainly be an “old maid” if that were the case.

I’ve been single with RA for only about a week and a half. It’s laughable I know. I haven’t started dating and likely I won’t start dating for quite some time …if ever. I’m 35 and would love to have a family (even if it is a mini-family) but wonder if my health would be too much to put on a kid much less a new mate.

I WANT JAX BACK!!! Jax broke up with me a week and a half ago. Since then we’ve eaten many dinners together and right now he’s asleep on our couch (the one I got for him so he could sleep more comfortably). I don’t know whether to go inside and try to relive old times or see if he wants to go back to his new apartment. I don’t want him to go and clearly he’s torn himself. We were compatible, enjoyed many of the same things but we are total opposites in terms of personalities which he always said worked well.

Ultimately my health made him feel caged up and despite my begging for him to go out, get drunk, and go to strip clubs it still made him feel guilt-ridden. He refused to go out until my health started to get better as of this year. I never want to be the controlling type. I want him to conquer the world and do things he can hardly imagine. I don’t need to be with him every moment. In fact, I’ve been coming up with excuses to be out of my place so he can have more space.

Last night I noticed that he didn’t eat without me so we headed to mcdonalds at 1130pm once I was home.

I’m positive our sex life can be better than when we were together, but he always thought of me as so fragile that it was tough for him to think of me sexually at all. It totally sucks. Many of my past boyfriends remember the sex most of all but think my Type A qualities were too much. It’s ironic to be sure.

My friends are just as torn as Jax is about him coming back. They love him but wonder if he won’t leave me again if we got back together.

I think it’s the exact same issue I’ll have with dating. I feel rotten to the core and so swollen to boot.

I took Enbrel yesterday for the first time in 3 weeks. I think it’ll take longer than 2 weeks before I’m feeling like myself again. I’m trying to guzzle water to get more thin, but this heat is making it worse.

I’d love to cuddle up next to Jax right now, but I feel so antsy like I’ve been on a plane for 6 hours. I can certainly see why he needed to go. Wouldn’t it just be the same with a new guy? I am strong personality-wise but fragile physically.

Now that I’ve been off Enbrel so long I can easily remember what it was like to be undiagnosed. I’m having deep pains in my hands, have an impossible time typing, opening jars, buttoning shirts, holding glasses, going up stairs, doing any repetitive motions like brushing my teeth, removing my makeup, and let’s face it: masturbating. I had to give up the natural method about 2 years ago.

The last time I was with Jax sexually my hand got all cramped up from RA while I was trying to please him (for lack of a better way to describe it).

I find all of this so exhausting! I don’t want to break the cane out again. I want to feel 25 not 85. This is the moment I say “it’s so unfair!!!” But my mom always said “life isn’t fair” and so I just have to move on. From complaining about RA, maybe from Jax… And live in the solution rather than the problem.

Time for bed and the future!
Love Sasha xoxoxo




One response

3 10 2008

Sasha, I’ve been reading your blog for a while. I was diagnosed with lupus and rheumatoid arthritis in April. I haven’t had a boyfriend during this process and I have envied your relationship with Jax. I’m sorry to hear all of the relationship issues that you have been having. I’ve often wondered what it would be like to be in a relationship right now and I’m not sure how you’ve done it. I think that your talk about taking care of yourself is necessary. I’m not sure that you could have done things any other way. And I know that as a 23 year old, I am at a different stage in my life than you are, but I think any type of chronic illness like this sets the mind spinning and creates an urgency about time – feeling like marriage and children have to happen soon or they will never happen at all. I don’t know what else to say other than that I feel for you…

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