RUNNING

3 10 2008

I feel like I want to run far, far away. I want to escape my skin, my body, this town. I wanted Jax to come back so badly. Jax probably isn’t coming back. Jax will probably never come back.

I have to move on. I have to come to some realization that Jax has given up on us. He’s given up on being able to deal with my RA or pancreatitis. He’s simply done for now.

I know I have enough work to keep my mind occupied for years. I have good friends and family that have reached out to offer their love. I think I’m now over the shock of the split. Now I’m just so sad about it. Now I realize I have to make my life about totally different things.

I feel so stupid now about sleeping on the couch all day on sundays to recuperate. If I’d have known it would drive Jax away I wouldve forced myself up and forced my body to go along for the ride. I never wouldve complained about feeling so horrible. I never wouldve mentioned I was in pain. I wouldve tried to suck it up and be an adult about it.

I wouldve made a much bigger effort to be sexual with Jax. I wouldve pulled his clothes off every other day and wouldve limited my business trips to one week away instead of 2 months. I wouldve learned how to cook and come to dinner 5 minutes before we needed to eat.

Jax used to make me little snack plates when I was with a client later in the evening or even on weekend days. I always tried to return the favor by making tea plates for him.

I simply can’t believe it. How can this same man who cared so much about how I was – now leave me to go find himself?? Or rather leave me to leave me?

I tried to shut him totally out tonight. I wanted to tell him I needed to totally close the door and not see him at all anymore. I tried to say those words but could not. Instead I’m here in all kinds of pain. I was just thinking about my cousin Sara who is going thru a divorce. She’s so distraught. She has 2 kids and her ex left for another woman. It’s horrible.

i simply feel so sad.
Love Sasha xoxoxo

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One response

5 10 2008
nick

i know what u mean, and im glad that i am able to have been able to fully understand all these things before i end my marriage………..its just too much for me…sometimes i feel like i could just let him take our one yr old boy and just walk out, id stay with our four yr old girl and just call a big man when i needed one……he dont deserve me and its really impossible for me to deserve him……

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