6 10 2008

Welcome to the new design. I like to switch it up a bit.

Today marks exactly 2 weeks since Jax broke up with me. And what a whirlwind day it’s been!! I shot a Glock handgun at LaX Gun Club. I am now an official member of a gun club! I went with a Brit Tony from Colchester (for any other anglophiles out there Jax is also a Brit from Newcastle area but he’d die if I told anyone since his accent is London). It was so powerful and frightening at first. I loved being able to master it. Of course I’m a complete newbie but my aim was shockingly great!!

I went to Ray’s Donuts (the one with the giant donut on the roof). Next to Target for a sweater and bath mat. Then I headed home to do laundry with Jax. Yes, that’s right-to do laundry with my ex. Then there’s a great conversation and then the flood.

Let me explain how RA (and CP) plays into all of this. With the gun: I couldn’t load the magazine AT ALL! My fingers can’t do that fine repetitive motion. They have no force in them. I can text/type with a lot of pain, but loading bullets into a magazine…forget it!! But here’s a great date idea! Seriously! There were lots of couples there.

Then I found that I couldn’t button or unbutton jackets at target. Super frustrating. And I know I shouldn’t eat donuts with my weight still being a massive issue but I start my new exercise regime in the morning and I want to start that out with a yummy donut.

On Friday the therapist wanted my to cease all contact with Jax. She also said something very shocking. She said “you are not friends!” WTF!?!?! Jax selflessly got me through 3 years of pure medical hell simply because he cared about me. What does she mean we’re not friends? Jax left me -true- but he didn’t cheat on me with a healthy girl. He didn’t mind-control me or put me down to feel better about leaving. He had to leave to find out what he wants in life. He truly doesn’t know. He “left” because my medical issues were simply too much for hhhBut I can’t cease contact. He lives a door away and although not on the other side of my wall, he’s there for me and I for him even if we’re not “together”.

When I told Jax that the therapist feels that Jax wants his cake and more and doesn’t want to let go of the comfort but wants to be a teenager. I’m sure some of this is true but it’s not the only part of the story.

Until I got CP and RA I never needed a boyfriend. I hired a handyman to install the AC, fix the electrics and such. Jax wasn’t there for those sorts of things. I mean – he was there and would do those things but it’s not why I stayed with him. Jax and I love to talk about things. We never tire of topics to share with each other.

On saturday he said something that broke my heart in a good way. I told him I was going to have to shut him out and tears began pouring down his cheeks. “I can’t imagine you not being in my life. I can’t imagine not knowing exactly how you are doing. I couldn’t bear it if you were someone I only heard about from time to time. We didn’t have a normal relationship so why should we have a normal split up?”. Very good point!

So the flood of tears came from my eyes and I couldn’t imagine shutting Jax out. We’ve been through too much to split ways as enemies. I cried out of joy and to go against the therapist. BUT for my own sanity I had to ask Jax to stop talking about a possibility of getting back together. This was causing too much pain for me.

So after struggling with buttons at target (no pun intended w/ gun range day) Jax helped me get the laundry to the car. He helped me fold which is really hard on my RA. We talked shop, politics, and life.

One shocking thing about Jax’s new set-up is how different it is to the design style at our place. He’s got such a great design sense. He listens to electronica and basically has a different life from the one we shared. We talked about why he didn’t infuse his design taste into our place and why he didn’t play his musical taste out loud. It was all subconcious but I’m positive that a part of our issues stem from the cultural difference between Brits and Americans. They’re often afraid to stand up for what they want. I always wanted Jax to be himself and comfy @ home.

Jax helped me get the laundry basket upstairs. He fixed my blackberry and chatted about all sorts of things. No fights ; no put downs. It’s so obvious that we’d still be together if it wasn’t for my dang health crisis!! We help each other out all the time. I’m not willing to stop being friends with this man who saved my life!

Finally, the flood: after our sweet talk Jax went home and found a pipe had burst. I helped clean it up and made a happy Jax get to sleep earlier. I couldn’t even wring a wet towel!!! RA, geez you’re very

Don’t get me wrong- I do not pour myself into a guy. I simply don’t have time!! But I do care about all aspects of Jax.

Lotsa love,
Sasha xoxoxoxo




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