DARK DAYS

11 10 2008

Thank you to all of you who commented on these tough times I’m going through since Jax and I broke up. I heard your words of wisdom and love. I heard that I need to focus only on today. I also heard that no matter how bad this hurts there’s amazing things I can do in the future if I simply believe I can get through this.

Physical pain is never as painful as this even when th Docs compare pancreatic attacks to giving birth. I certainly don’t doubt that. I know I’m suffering from a broken heart. Jax’s mom (who I never met cuz she lives in England) seems equally crushed. My folks are worried about me because I’ve been so dark these past few weeks.

When I first got sick I had tons of friends. I was always having parties. I was surrounded by them and I gave my love. Over time, as my disease of CP progressed they began falling away. Primarily it was because I couldn’t go out and share in good times and bad with them. It became just Jax and I and a number that fits on one hand. I wasn’t bitter or mad. I knew they still all had love for me. But in LA there’s so much to do and you do lose touch with the people you don’t see around much.

I wasn’t worried about spending so much time with Jax. I’m 35 – he’s 38 so I thought we had simply changed our priorities. So, now that Jax and I are no longer, I don’t have a large enough group or posse of freinds to fall back on. I’ve called the ones I do have, but somehow I think it would never be enough people to take this hurt away.

CoincifeI bumped into Jax on the street tonight. It was so odd. After a few beats I realized I was going to cry so I got out of there fast! I felt so stupid. Imagine, at 35 feeling like a school girl! Ugh! It’s so pathetic. So this all led me to my latest decision: I will need to break off even seeing Jax for awhile. I wanted to do it via text but I’ll wait to do it in person.

I saw a new therapist tonight. An AFFORDABLE therapist for once. I’m not sure how he does it but he’s the therapist I met when I heard him on a radio show. I called in last weekend. He agrees with my DR’s that some of my pain issues might stem from lots of sexual abuse as a child. Yes, I said those nasty liitle words Sexual Abuse as a child from more than 3 people. There was extreme violence as well. It’s the entire reason I’ve been working with at-risk teen girls. Even if life is shit I’ve always reached out to be helpful to someone.

The appointment was just an introduction but I felt good about his type of psycotherapy. He even talked a lot!!!

My RA’s in check today. I walked a lot tonight and I’ll do more tomorrow. I just need to lose a lot of weight right now to make myself feel at least a little less crummy.

Over and Out,
Sasha xoxoxo

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