If you’ve been reading any of my posts the past 5 weeks then you’ll know that I’ve been severely depressed. I’ve also been looking for work because all of my clients and company work literally dried up the minute the economy started to become terribly worrisome. All my company contacts have told me that they are being forced to scale back and no longer use contractors. This is one of the toughest times I have ever gone through that is non-medical. In addition, the love of my life, Jax, split up with me because he could no longer deal with the stresses in my life and he moved next door (one apartment in between) to my old office so he could work on himself. We had our business together so all this week we’ve been working towards pulling it apart in an organized manner.
On top of this, I take a very low dose of Cymbalta, which is used to treat pain in my case…but I am not on an antidepressant. (I still get those shocking jolts from Cymbalta). Tomorrow at the Dr. office I am going to ask for the first time in my life to go on one. I am a painter on the side and I never wanted to take antidepressants. I’ve always been afraid it would ruin my creative abilities and urges…but now it has become a matter of life or destruction. I would never harm myself intentionally, but all my close friends and family know that I injure myself very badly through thought alone. My health can not hold up under such depressing news on so many fronts. Plus i can’t sleep. I have horrific insomnia and keep sleepwalking although ive not yet heard of anyone else sleepwalking due to enbrel.
I keep falling asleep outside in the chair which has made my RA rage out of control. I can barely walk again (and will need to use the cane tomorrow) and am looking forward to getting my new shipment of Enbrel in. My legs and feet are so swollen and I have to take vivarin to stay awake because my body clock has become so tuned in to night hours when I spend 8 hours or ore applying to jobs.
Do you remember the old movie SINGLES? remember the guy who loses his job and girlfriend so he locks himself up in his apartment and eats crappy food and his place is a dump until somehow he finally gets his life in order? Well, I’m him right now, but still locked in the apartment mode. I’m waiting for interviews and hoping something breaks through!!
Finally,the good news is that i started Weight Watchers. i am not like the lucky people who have taken steroids/prednisone and were able to quickly lose the weight. For me, the steroids turned OFF my thyroid (I now have hypothyroid) and made it impossible to prevent 45 pounds of weight gain. I was 130-135 and am now 176!!! I’ll update my blog each week about my status – My first goal is to go down to 158 puonds which is 10% of my current weight. I am going to Weight Watchers meetings this time with some good friends and I plan on really doing it this time. It’s been exactly 1 year since I started taking steroids.
Thank you for your sweet comments about getting through this dark time. I do want to write one Jax update. This past weekend I came to a breaking point where I realized that I need to remove myself from his space. We were spending a lot of time together even though he broke up with me. I was loving it – but the times in between were far too painful. (I just heard a gun go off… oh Hollywood can be so nasty). A friend told me it was killing me. So now I have told Jax that I could no longer see him ever again. I planned on making this true, but much easier said than done. My birthday is this weekend as is Halloween and we’re going to go with friends to the parade here in Hollywood. Maybe that’s the end of it. I need to stop having Jax in my life for a bit, but I also don’t want to. He helped me so much/ It’s so tough to go back to living alone.
Being this depressed absolutely affects my pain level for pancreatitis (CP). I just have to manage it better.
Love, Sasha xoxoxoxo