FINDING A LIGHT

7 11 2008

I realized that I’ve written 3 blogs in a row about pain & depression.  I’d love to write about cheery happy-go-lucky stuff, but that is simply not the reality of my perception right now.  In “real life” I have to pretend all the time that things are fine and that i feel fine. I spend quite a bit of energy hiding my pain and/or depression which is right now the larger issue.  Frankly, if I was honest with anyone but my blog about where my head is at then I might be committed to some mental ward.  I don’t feel deathly or like being dead or anything, but I honestly can’t seem to shake this depression.

I’ve been looking for solid work rather than my piece meal clients.  My client-base are all having to reign in any spending which has left me in a bad position.  I’ve received an interesting reader comment i’d like to share wth you.  From Roberoo: “I would hope that most of those who have been in chronic pain for longer than a year realize that Intractable Pain can cause isolation. Isolation is like a prison cell for the IP and it is “very” important that all IP patients make an effort to keep the friends they have, make new friends, become involved in groups, churches, PTA, and keep the lines of communication open to others. It is so very important that we stay a social being, as isolation leads to depression, loss of self-esteem, a perception of a higher pain level, and a feeling that we are going this alone which can cut us off from family, friends, and even other IPP’s.

I can totally see how it’s important to continue to go out and meet people.  The irony of course is that hen you’re depressed on top of pain it takes about 85% more energy than normal.  I’m certainly making an effort to get out of the house, talk to friends, and even pulled out my elliptical exerciser.  I figure a little every day might pull me out of it.  I sure hope so!!

I’m curious what positive things I’ve done for myself since Jax split up with me that go inline wit this reader’s comment.  First, I’ve called close friends almost every day.  I’ve called my mom every couple of days which is very unusual for me (usually it is twice a month).  I joined Weight Watchers and have been going to the meetings.  My hope is to meet new people there, but no luck so far. I do go with a very good friend & her hubby so at least there’s some interaction. I’ve been forcing myself to go out to as many things as I’m invited to, but then I ave myself a hard time if I didn’t feel up to leaving the house.  I’ve gone to therapy twice (two different therapists cuz the first one bailed on me), writing here more than usual.

I also got a kitty cat named GUVNOR who is the cutest darn thing I could imagine.  I’m teaching the cat how to “sit”, “stay”, and beg for a treat with its paw.  Hopefully this warm fuzzy super cute little creature will return my brain to normal!! more soon. (photos coming soon).

love, sasha xoxox

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