First a bit of goings-on: I’m happy to report to you all that I’ve finally lined up enough work to get me into December without this horrific fear that’s been like a black cloud over me for 3 months. Now that the reality of the economy has had a bit of time to hit everyone, clients are finally calling again. I’m still looking for a permanent job. I think my time for freelancing might be over. But we’ll see.
I was feeling very low and down this week. My schedule is totally off since I’ve been doing resumes all night long, then during the day running errands, making necessary phone calls and such, then another night of resumes. Then finally after 2 days without sleep I crash the entire day and feel super crap. It’s my own fault for treating myself so badly and not being able to keep my life normal when I have no regular structure to it. Jax lives 2 doors down now and I’m still outrageously sad that he’s left me. We’ve hardly seen a moment of each other this week. I wrote him an email explaining that I don’t want to date anyone but him, but my friends and family are so worried about me that they want me to date… I’m not sure what to do.
DATING QUESTIONS: If I do start dating, how long do I wait to tell the guy about my chronic diseases? Do I put Ra and CP in my internet dating page so they know what they are in for? What if I have to cancel our date? Would I need to admit it’s because of my diseases? Do I explain my weight is from prednisone and I’m trying super hard to get rid of it? Do I say I’m going to weight watchers and just starting to go to the YMCA but I’m still heavy. OR do I make no excuses for anything and just let it all remain a mystery. On the nights I’m “unavailable” aka in bed, I’ll simply seem more mysterious.
I need to change my outlook & perspective on this whole thing. If I can run a company than surely I can take care of myself and my chronic diseases, right?!?!?! I suppose I’m still upset that I no longer have my support system of Jax. My support pilot got tired of the ins and outs of illness. I am still pissy because I never thought we’d break up. BUT I did receive a wonderful letter/comment from M.Midwest. Here are my favorite parts:
All of the frequent drs. appts. and tests and treatments and pain control adjustments robbed us of normal, leisure time together. Sometimes when he felt like going out to dinner or going out with friends I was genuinely too sick to have the energy to go…. In talking to other people in a large chronic illness support group I’ve heard that…It is such a hard fought battle to get used to the illness itself. During the adaptation phase you are busy just surviving and getting adjusted to treatments. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You were trying to get through the HARDEST PART of your life at the same time you and Jax were cultivating your own relationship…Take your time to heal.By the way, I did meet and marry a wonderful guy 3 years later.Take your time please,girl! Let your heart heal and go slowly. I feel for you and know that you want to date right away. Please wait though.When you’ve been in a long relationship it’s easy to want to hurry up and cover up the pain with someone new. Wait awhile,though. Get through the holidays and heal a bit longer.Thinking of you-been there-and it DOES GET BETTER.
This explains everything I’m going through in a capsule. Thank you so much. My folks want me to start dating just to keep my mind off of Jax. But it is amazing how much the idea of dating brings up so many new questions for me. Maybe I need to find a chronic illness support group in my area? I looked online and found nothing within 28 miles. But if anyone has some ideas on this front please do share. I’ll give you more from the maybe dating fronts soon. So far I’m just trying to remember to take care of myself.
Love, Sasha xoxoxo