BREAKDOWN CENTRAL

15 03 2009

I’m taking a little break from my resource section I’m creating to talk a little bit about myself.   Beyond being just Sasha, I’ve been stuck in this awful depression for almost 8 months or so.  You see, I’m an extrovert  – I love people.  I thrive when I’m around a lot of people.  I used to have a huge network of friends and colleagues.  But when I got sick and the years passed – 1,2,3 I lost almost all of them.  A friendship can only thrive when 2 people are putting there all into it.  I had no energy for myself, much less a friend.  Over time I watched my relationship with Jax dissolve.  He was always so helpful to me and very loving…but he couldn’t deal with knowing I was in pain.  Even as a friend it’s hard for him to know I’m in pain.  Is that what started the depression?  Or did the pain start the depression?  I guess it’s the story of the chicken and the egg.  My close friends I have now all seem to live far away.  Many of them joke that I should have a whole season of House devoted to my medical issues.  I only wish i had House’s team to cure me for good and forever!

(Read on about Internet Dating, Prednisone Weight Loss, CP Patients Beware of CatScans!, and Getting Un-Depressed)

Over the past year and a half I’ve been getting so much better in most areas- but for some reason my depression still persists.  During this time I’ve taken a good hard look at my disease and come to realize that there were parts of it I was hanging on to.  I know that’s so hard to explain.  I do not want to be in pain nor do I want any disease at all. But there was a part of me that became familiar with that ill part of myself.  I’ve been doing a lot of visualization exercises where I release the disease that has grabbed a hold of me.  I close my eyes and watch as I pull the tentacles off of my body – and breath in fresh, clean new air to fill in that part of me that might have chipped off.  I grow back healthy cells that are not in the mood to fight my own self.   I’ve been eating healthier  – loads of fruits and vegetables.  I’ve been cutting down on crappy foods.  I’ve stocked the house with healthy snacks and apples for when i am really peckish.  I took a 1 week break from exercising due to my recent medicine change (going back on methotrexate) being very hard on me.  Also, I got really sick from the liquid drink they give you before a Cat-Scan to the point of hospitalization last Friday.  So NOTE:  If you have CP (chronic pancreatitis) you are forwarned   not to drink the Cat Scan liquid they give you for doing contrast.  For me AND my mom it caused excruciating pain.  After 3 days I was in such bad shape that my pain management doc was wanting to put me in the hospital – I begged him no – so he gave me these Fentnyl lollipops called Actique (or something like that).  BUT then I was in pain and doing the lollipop thing and must’ve accidentally overdosed myself because I slept for 3 days straight.

Anyhow – Starting tomorrow (Sunday I will go to the gym and begin my workout regime).  I was just starting to make a dent in my weight loss. I hate to be hung up on weight but the reality is that I was 130 pounds all the way until I took Prednisone.  People at stores would be sweet and I had the confidence to know that at least I was hot.  Now.. the opposite is true and it’s hit me really hard. As lame as that might sound.

I went on a date last week with a guy from an internet dating site.  I thought it went well but he wrote and said he didn’t feel the chemistry.   I’m slapping myself for talking about my disease, RA, pancreatitis, Lupus, and of course my dad more than twice…but I can’t help but think it’s because of my weight (172) which got that way from the Prednisone and also lack of activity for almost 3 years.  I can’t expect the weight to just instantly vanish.  I must work at it.  I’ve been reading up that in order to lose weight I can only consume 1,100 calories a day.  That’s not very many. Anyhow – all of these things combined with my work being pathetically behind have led me to become fiercely and clinically depressed.  I simply don’t have a big group of friends anymore.  I sometimes think it’s because I don’t have the energy to go so many places anymore to meet new people.    I thought I might meet people at the gym, but that’s not happened yet.  I’ve thought about having an event at my house once a month, but not even sure who to invite – I feel like the circle of people who give a shit about me has shrunk dramatically.  In fact, with this depression I fear that no one really gives 2 hoots about me anymore.  How do I convince myself that this is not the case?  How do I prove to myself that people out there still want to know me?

So my new mission is to go through my email box and contact everyone that I have possibly put off for a meeting.  I haven’t met w/ anyone for ages because I’m so behind on my work.  I keep worrying that if I meet up with people or throw an event here then I’m simply taking time away from the work I could get done….but then when time rolls around – if I am feeling okay and up to it – I feel totally uninspired to get anything accomplished. This includes my taxes and everything.  So how do I get myself out of this rut?  How do I stop feeling like I have no one to love in my own city?  Well,  for now I will work on a few website to-do items i have on my plate and hope that will help my blues just a little bit.  Also, I will begin going to a life drawing class on Tuesday night for the same purpose.  And of course I’ll keep that promise to myself to make a meeting time with everyone in my holding queue – because the reality is that the more drained I am  – the more drained I will be.  I simply have to force myself  out of these blues.  I have to force myself to do things differently.

I also wonder how to beat depression.  I feel like it’s constantly chasing me down.  Just when i think I might have it beat I worry about how long I can stay alive.  It’s a viscous cycle that I need to get out of.

– Love Sasha. ..xoxoxo

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2 responses

15 03 2009
Melissa

If you are feeling depressed, how about talk therapy? I have just started a few months ago when my life and disease literally pulled the rug out from under me. I’m taking Cymbalta which not only helps with depression but is also supposed to help with pain.

I would nuture the friends I already have and then worry about making new friends. Like my shrink told me the other day, friendships have to work both ways, focus on that….

15 03 2009
raandme

Thank you for this posts. And for being so honest. I understand. It’s like reading my own thoughts. From the prednisone/weight gain to the battle with depression to the loss of friendships.

Im not sure what kind of comfort to offer. But I hope for the best for you. You seem like such a strong person in spirit. Good luck with your new goals!

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