Today I’m taking another break from the Resource Series 2009/Next entry will be about SSI Benefits) .
The following was written on a very bad day. I considered taking it down, but left it up so others can see the true range of emotions we go through (people with multiple autoimmune diseases). Also, I did receive a VERY SWEET note from the original author of the email that upset me. I’d like to make it clear that this post probably had noting to do with the commenter and everything to do with having a bad day.
NO WAY OUT
Yesterday, I received a comment that has upset me after this weekend’s post (which is rare for comments to actually get to me) – In a nutshell, I explained I am still severely depressed after about 8 months. It takes actual effort to not get in the car and drive into a brick wall at top speed. [Please don’t worry about me on that front – i have a HUGE project due in August and I will certainly see that through.] So let me explain what I’ve done to get out of this cycle. Yes, I am on Cymbalta (anti-depressant & helps with pain level) and have been for 2 years. I”ve been on wellbutrin (another anti-depressant) for about 4 months. I exercise daily for at least 40 minutes at full fat-burning speed. I alternate gym/intense hike/workout videos (I like the Biggest Loser and Carmen Electra’s Striptease series). I’ve even adopted a kitty cat.
I expressed that my depression has a hold on me like tentacles latching on. I’ve told all my doctors. I lost my company in November 08 due to the economic crisis. Several different clients have decided not to pay thousands of dollars after months of my hard work. Everyone has an excuse. I can’t afford “talk therapy” and have done research for affordable therapy – but frankly when it comes to rent/food or therapy – it’s no contest. [that’s why I’ve asked you to donate if you’ve gotten something out of this site or to hire me as your personal asst to deal with your medical paperwork.]. Now regarding friends: like many of you reading this site I love having friends.
(Read on for living life from bed, not being able to be a part of the crowd, feeling alone and alienated from the life I once had)—–>
I’ve been lucky enough to have a few life-long friendships. But they don’t live where I do, plus they have their own families to worry about first. I’m an extrovert and meet people easily – but I lost all but 2 die-hard friends when I was sick to the point of practically bedridden for 3 years. I wasn’t snippy or rude – or grumpy or anything of the sort. I was always polite and even wrote thank you cards for any small generosity shown – but in Los Angeles like so many urban cities – everyone has their own lives and are so very busy keeping up their small circle of friends. But in this town people bond over eating out, going out to bars, and going to yoga. These were all things I smply could not do with pancreatitis and RA…not at that weak stage. So now that I’ve been getting better I’ve been trying to go to new group events and accepting every invitation – which at first actually made me ill – but now I have a good balance.
Old acquaintances are wary – they think I dropped them long ago. New acquaintances, just like prospective boyfriends, would rather hang with someone without baggage. No one around here has any time to make new friends. I’ve been on facebook day after day searching for female friends to take to dinner or go on a hike with. Much easier said than done. So basically I’m explaining that I am trying very hard – putting 500% into it. But this simply leads back to the cycle of depression. I know the reader was simply trying to be helpful, and I’m very open to ideas to help me get out of this rut… and to keep my mind off of Jax leaving me. It’s been well over 6 months!! I guess with these diseases it’s hard to believe that anyone will be able to put up with me much less love me again. My own family can’t even figure out how love me through this. I just feel very alienated and no one in my circle of people is able to help. Like last week when I ended up keeping myself out of th hospital by taking the doctor’s prescribed medicine – A fentynl pop – and bang – i was out cold for 3 days. There was no one here to even know there was anything wrong with me. I’m deathly afraid that it’ll be the way I die. Chronic Pancreatitis would put my body into shock – and the ER would treat me like a drug-addict rather than a chronic pain patient and their refusal to call my doctors is all too familiar. It just makes me very sad and I can’t wait for the situation to change!
More very soon. Sasha xoxoxo