SEVERE DEPRESSION-THE ALONE-NESS
It’s not the sort of thing that I like to admit is happening. It’s not the sort of thing anyone would want to admit. It’s definitely not party conversation. 2 days ago my doctor talked to me about possibly putting me in the hospital – not the regular hospital – but a facility…As in getting committed. All I needed to say was one extra sentence or actually word- and I would be there right now. All I needed to say was the truth…”Have you thought of harming yourself or others?” How do you answer that question when I’ve even looked up possible locations to drive a car top speed into a concrete wall? How do you answer that when you’ not only thought about it, but even gotten to the stage of trying to research if the airbags popping out would prevent me from being dead. I don’t want to be dead, nor would i ever do this, but I’ve thought about it.
Pain comes with a heavy price. Most people don’t understand long-term pain. they always say stuff like “get better soon” or “i hope you’ll be feeling better the next time I see you” or they go on and on about their healer or raw foodie friend that cured their lupus completely simply by eating a raw food diet. They seem to think I want to have a chronic disease. They seem to think that it’s in my mind – and that this is the reason for my physical pain.
The toll is much larger than just physical pain. It’s much larger than absolute alienation from friends and family. It’s alone-ness that I never could have imagined. All of the hours I spend pretending to be normal are wasted hours. All of the hours back and forth to the doctor is time rolled up and tossed away. Most of all it’s the alone-ness I am left with. Some of my friends started this journey with me and only last a week. Others lasted several years, but now that I’m going into my 7th year of chronic pain I feel as if everyone has left. Everyone is over it. My doctor’s are there – and that might be the only thing keeping me from completely breaking down. Two of my doctors stepped out of their uniforms this week (figuratively speaking) and hugged me, grabbed my hand, felt my real pain from all of this. It was the most human thing I’ve seen anyone do in such a long time. it did change my mind about wanting to stay here. they both urged me to remember that this depression is temporary. It doesn’t feel temporary. I feel like I’ve been here for a very long time.
I was thinking about the steps that led to my big crash into ultra-severe depression. The main one was over the holiday when my own family couldn’t take it. My own family left me. We talk on the phone now, but I know when it gets really hot that they can’t handle it- and i’m the first to go. My dad couldn’t take me being in pain and so instead of having sympathy for me he threw me out. , all because I had to work over the holiday while he felt I should be resting. My brother disowned me because I was in so much pain after playing soccer with his soon and I complained about them having nothing I could eat for breakfast. I thought a lot of people got grumpy at breakfast-but with my physical pain on top of it I’m a “complainer”. And no one comes to my defense anymore.
I’m also now open game for rude and hideous comments. An acquaintance I know took me to a concert last week but spent the whole time telling me how fat i’ve become. I’m not actually fat at all in any city outside of Los Angeles. I’m average after the prednisone, but not fat. She went on ad on about how she would kill herself if she got as fat as me. Naturally i will not ever spend another second with her, but the damage was already done.
The part that is still the hardest is that Jax left. I’m getting over it – I can feel that – but I’m still not over it. I don’t know if I ever will be. Right now it doesn’t feel possible. Mainly because it doesnt feel possible that anyone will ever like me again. I am simply exhausted and can’t think of good things right now. Facebook has brought some good old friends into my life which does give me hope that at least I might have friends in my future, but right now the ones I have in LA can’t be bothered to spend any time with me. LA people tend to be overly selfish. (Not the ones born and bred here btw – just the transplants).
I’m ready for good things to come into my life. I am open to all good things coming into my life. I invite all good things to come into my life. In the moment my depression is in the passenger seat. I just want to go to sleep on the couch again – I’m not into sleeping on the bed. it has too many memories.
Love Sasha xoxo